Saboteurs

One year we flew up to Alaska
All the scenery was gorgeous
And the people all so pleasant what a place
Might have been our one chance
To experience it first hand
All the culture and the beauty of the state
But when we arrived
I couldn't bring myself to leave the car
Stayed locked away with my guitar
And while the others
Studied the mountains and the rivers
I just stared down at my fretboard, pad and pen

Lately I've been struggling to conjure up
A band aid for this problem
That has freshly manifested in my brain
It seems as though I've grown a light switch
Deep within the recess of my psyche
One if flipped renders me borderline insane
It's like ten seconds ago
Everything was fine and dandy
But now everything is fucked
And there ain't no rhyme or reason for my seething
I just wanna be okay but I feel stuck

I don't get to see the family often
Always on road
So one year we organized a trip
We'd take to Lake Tahoe

A place we'd been when I was younger
All the memories are golden
But when we arrived
I found myself down at the bar
Black out drunk and seeing stars
While my loved ones
All played board games by the fire
I did drink myself within an inch of death

I'm no stranger to mistakes
It feels like every step I take
I trip myself up can't get out of my own way
I'm by far my harshest critic and a cynic
Too neurotic to accept that sometimes
Shit is just okay

There's always gotta be
Some problem I alone must solve
But that just ain't the case at all
Cause I got friends and family
But my worst enemy is me
And me just can't escape my head

Cause I was born to sabotage myself
Well that's on me and no one else
I'm a human grenade
And I'm good at pullin' my own pin
You can blame it on my mental health
Addictions, stress and anything else
All it boils down to
Is I'm an asshole
With a loud mouth
And a system of support I don't deserve