I Don't Work Here

I know why you've brought me here
But first I'd like to say
It was a nice and strange surprise
You seeing me today
I love this corporation
Whatever it is we do
But I know there's been questions asked
About my attitude

We're one big happy family
I read that in the note
That's pinned up on the noticeboard
That hides behind our coats
Most of your employees
Are inspired by that joke
"You don't have to be mad to work here"
And I'm not and don't
So you can't fire me
I want to make that clear
First you'd have to hire me
Get me all the gear
Stick me in a cubicle
Insure me for a year
But right now, you can't fire me
Cos I don't work here

I know I'm late and lazy
And here with no excuse
Yes, I'm drinking whiskey
From a flask marked orange juice
And I can't even claim to be
Uniquely qualified
No-one knows just what I do
And when I do it, why
You can't fire me
I want to make that clear
First you'd have to hire me
Get me all the gear
Stick me in a cubicle
Insure me for a year
But right now, you can't fire me
Cos I don't work here

But I like hanging round and being rude
And stealing all of your supplies
Everything's so lax round here
I think you should employ a private eye, an office spy, such as I...

I wanted a large company
Where I could feel at ease
Become part of the furniture
And turn up when I please
And here I really feel at home
But I wish that I was paid
So when there is a vacancy
Here's my resume
Then maybe you can fire me
I want to make that clear
First you'll have to hire me
Get me all the gear
Stick me in a cubicle
Insure me for a year
But till then, you can't fire me
Cos I don't work here
And right now, you can't fire me
Cos I don't work here