Business as Usual

My name is Bernie Berman.
I am a salesman, but please,
please just think of me as your best friend.
I work on commission.
It's a missionary position.
I stay on top of what I've got to say to make you spend.
I may be smooth and smarmy,
I've got cool closing skills,
but my company needs me to pay the bills.
It's the artful con.
It's the bad kind of beautiful.
Call it what you want — I call it business as usual.
The marketing department is polishing a turd.
The most excellent of excrement, you have my word.
It's the truth, the half truth, and something but the truth.
I've got a pair of three-legged pants for the price of two.
Well, I'm the friendly fraud, insincerely inscrutable.
Call it what you want — I call it business as usual.
We've got customer service mopping up my messes 'cause
I make a lot of promises that are really only guesses.
I got a guy who's coming back for this at 5,
so you gotta buy it now, or it's him I'm gonna jive.
Well, I practice my smile just to keep it plausible.
I'm the friendly fraud, insincerely inscrutable.
It's the artful con.
It's the bad kind of beautiful.
Call it what you want — I call it business as usual.