Commute

Looking up at the traffic lights
He couldn't help but think of how horribly
The man in the red coat had looked at him
'Someone like you will never be respected by anyone'
The man's expression had said
And they hadn't even held a conversation!
This stranger had recognised his flaws in an instant
Not only that
But they'd had the confidence to show it
Just with a single look
He felt deeply uncomfortable that his failures were so visible

The light turned green and he crossed the road
Puddles forming on the street reminded him
Of his mother's blunt criticisms that morning
How could she be so carefree
Throwing opinions around about his future?
He was so frustrated
And yet he knew she was right
He would never feel motivated enough
To truly impress anybody that he worked for
He had no chance of escaping his anxieties
He simply was not cut out to live in the world
She hadn't said any of this explicitly
But he knew she was right

He was so distracted by the puddles
That the spokes of an old lady's umbrella scraped into his scalp
He felt startled and quickly steered himself to the side
Trying to keep his eyes fixed on the street ahead
She will have thought he was a total idiot
Now yet another person who knows
How ill-suited he is to take care of himself in public
Another stranger who knows
That people like him should
Never
Leave
The house

Eager to make it home before things got any worse
He jogged a little as he turned the corner
Leading to the town square
As if in competition
A rain-drenched rat scrambled
Out of the off-license on his left
Escaping ahead and sheltering from the rain
By slipping into a drainpipe
His monologue moved to thoughts
Of the lifeless animals his parents had
So obsessively bought and cared for his entire life
A stoic rabbit was not his idea of love
The stationary cats were nothing but furniture
He had longed for a connection with these creatures
But never received so much as a smile
Upon reaching the square
He took no notice of the man offering the evening paper
Instead lost in swirling fixations
Of his total lack of affection
For anyone and anything around him

With his gaze again glued to the floor
He saw that his laces were undone
And so knelt down to tie them
His already overwhelming sense of being exposed
Now grew to a level almost unbearable
From the people in the square
To those all the way down the adjoining streets
The whole town was watching to see what he'd do next
The man who strayed from the norm
Even just the sudden descent was enough
To send blood rushing through his temples
There was no chance he could tie his shoes in this state
His fingers trembled and his heart sunk
He felt his chest collapse
Nothing could be done but to let his limbs soften
And to allow himself to fall sideways onto the pavement
The impact was rough despite excessive coats and sweatshirts
Though he barely noticed
Tears formed in his eyes
He burned under everybody's gaze
Concerned expressions masking smirks
Heads filled with uncontrollable laughter
His brain rattled with their sneering thoughts

Minutes passed
And nobody came to help
Of course not, he thought
Why would anybody take notice of him?
He was plainly unremarkable

As he lay on the cold stone
The autumn's late evening sky weighed down on him
The rain grew heavier
Droplets fell right past his face
Apparently enormous

Something about their intricacies began to intrigue him
Perfectly formed glass statues
Triumphant only for a brief moment
Then melting past his eyes
Diffused light from the street lamps
Reflected back at him in the raindrops
Glistening stars against the soft black city sky

A thought occurred to him
That a puddle might begin to form around him
But he didn't dwell on it

He felt a brief moment of peace