Dave & Al (Live At The Palladium - 11/1/81)

Alright, hey, hey listen
Before we go on to the next song
I got a really important piece of business
I've gotta take care of
Now, there's this guy
That uh, works for us, he sells the T-shirts
His name is David Dikowitz

Now, some of you might know David
And if you know him
You realize that David is a lonely guy
He hasn't been pooched in three days
His nectar has built up, so to speak
And he asked me
If I could help him get a girl tonight

Now, normally I don't do this because
I mean, of course being a pimp is my hobby
But in Dikowitz's case
This is taking it above and beyond the call of duty
As they say in the trade

So here, here's the plan
Somewhere out there, I know
Somewhere in this building there is a girl
Or a female type object
Who desires the companionship of a nice, Jewish boy
Who sells T-shirts
Now, I'm gonna make you a two for one offer
Here's the deal

If you're a girl and you wanna
And you wanna submit to Dikowitz's advances
If you'll go for Dikowitz
And you got a friend or sister
That would like to spend some time with Al Malcon

Who's an a, who's another
Dangerously lonely guy
Had a little problem here the other night
I understand, I don't like to be spreading gossip around
But this is New York

Al is a very lonely person
And he came here to the show the other night
With his girlfriend
He introduced me to her in the back

She was a very nice person
They went and they sat in the audience to see the show
She says, excuse me for a minute
I'm go get, gonna go get a drink
She disappeared, didn't come back
Until five o'clock in the morning
Told she was drunk said:

"Al, I hate you"
In an exorcist voice
And told him to move out
Now, we got these two
Very nice people who need it
Now, as a matter of fact
Can we get a spotlight down here?

Just so you see what the merchandise is like
This is David Dikowitz, right here
Now, obviously, he is nice
He is Jewish and he is a boy, right?

So, you see what you're in for
If you want, if you wanna do it with David
Just come down and introduce yourself
There, alright, see?
What did I tell you?

Congratulations, what's your name?
Karen
Karen?
I now pronounce you, David and Karen
Off that way

Alright
Now, that's what I like about New York
You get results
Ah, now where's Malcon?
If we can do the same thing for Malcon
We'll really be doing it
Where is he?

Maybe we'll find him later
Okay but where?
Al, come here

Ladies and gentlemen
This is my friend, Al Malcon
He's also a very nice person
Would you like to give a sales pitch yourself?

Well, I'll tell ya
I don't know if there's anybody really cute
You know, and I stay away from
You know, young girls
Anybody about 18 or close, you know
Blonde hair

He wants a virgin with nice breath
Yeah, virgin would be nice but
Right there, you (almost there)
A volunteer right there
Where?
No, no, oh, she's going
No, no, don't touch me
No, get away, no

Well, listen
What?
Right here
What's your name?
Lisa
Lisa, this is Al

It's happening to me
(It's happening)
It's happening to you
She has no idea what's going to be happening to her
Well, who does anymore
It's the 20th century

Wait here
This girl loves you
Chris, tell him to come over here
Tell him to come over here?
C'mere

What's your name?
Chris
Well, let the audience see you, c'mon
Oh my god

Now, isn't this better than computer dating?
Why don't you guys go over there and get acquainted?
Okay, on with the show