Cabin Fever

Yeah, man this year is fucking killing me
Being trapped in this fucking house, I'm losing it

Stab myself in the neck to see how quick I bleed out
That's how bored I've been in quarantine stuck in a fucking house
Good thing I got a pound of drugs up under the couch
If I didn't, shit I would've lost my mind by now
So bored that I stapled my own dick to the floor
Just to see what would happen, now I can't piss anymore
So my bladder backed up and exploded up in my body
But I picked up surgery as my quarantine hobby
So I managed to tape it up and stapled it shut
And I rerouted my urethra, now I pee through my butt
"Webby, seriously dog, like what the fuck?"
My bad I'm on drugs, I'm just making this up (True)

I went MILF hunting at Whole Foods with whole plans
Hadn't gotten laid in weeks, I was ready to go ham
Tried to fuck a cougar but settled for roast ham
And by that I mean actually fucking a roast ham
I put on a Trojan and grabbed it with both hands
And lubed that bitch up with a can of cold spam
Gave it a few thrusts, got a quick nut
'Til they called the pigs up, then I just zipped up and I ran (Skedaddle)

Now that's a triple pork entendre
Probably got like 87 baby mommas
That's why I will always stay changing my numbers
"Who's my dad?" Hmm nah, I'll just let 'em wonder, kinda kidding
But what's a future with some kids in my plans
I mean our only common interest is shitting our pants and sucking on tits
And regularly having women wiping down and touching our dicks
(Yo, you bugging for this)

I went on the dark web drunk the other night
And woke up with a brand new Ukrainian wife
Gotta be honest, at first shit was pretty uncomfortable
So I loosened her up with that classic Cliff Huxtable
That's a roofie joke, that's cool in 2020 right?
No? I'm just tryna keep it light
But it's hard to read the room, shit I got terrible sight
Can I at least make jokes about transvestites?
Or would that make me a dick? Get it? Make me a dick
And all these uptight buttholes are making me sick
I'm in the gender-neutral bathroom taking a shit
Door open, sitting there waving and shit
Like "Hi kids, do you like sirens?"
Hang around with me enough you'll see police officers and firemen
Following me driving, swerving' til they're piling on top of each other
As I just speed away smiling

'Cause Webby's so ridiculous, crazy as a bitter bitch
That I haven't texted back since I gave her syphilis (Fuck you, Chris)
And gonorrhea, I ain't know I was infected
But it's all good, at least I've been coronavirus tested
Swabbed on my dick and I went and postmarked it
Priority mail right to the Wuhan market
Pretty sure I'll pass, I've been wearing a mask
Am I healthy on a diet, eating nothing but bats (Delicious)

On my Ozzy Osbourne, just a child of the corn
They mistook me for some kind of devil that's in human form
'Til I bleached my red skin and I sawed off my horns
'Cause all I do is sin, take drugs and watch porn
Got a Craigslist hooker just to talk to her
Thought it would be chill but nothing could've been awkwarder
All I needed was someone to listen to what I said
"Get a therapist" she told me while giving me head
Yeah I got a lot of problems but I never let 'em get to me
Fart on elevators and I blame the woman next to me
All for gender equality as long as that includes a bitch
Doing my laundry and getting my dishes washed for me
Honestly I'm just motherfuckin' kickin' up dust
Just to do it, so you can go and lick on my nuts
You can find me all high in my car getting puffed
Either there or at the dog park sniffing butts
Yeah I'm friggin' nuts, do you not get it?
Shit I always was, then you add a pandemic
When I'm locked in the crib with mad pills, free time and no chill
But fuck it, we going crazier still now here's a hook

So follow my lead and do what I do
Snort a bunch of cocaine and run around nude
Jump in the gorilla enclosure up at the zoo
Show up blackout to your work interviews
So follow my lead and say what I say
Piss off any and everybody that's in the way
Who gives a fuck? Shit, the world is ending any day
Shit, I forgot to write a last line
Fuck it