Nighthawk

Who I was was reckless
I wish this nighthawk would let me sleep
I don't ask for forgiveness
But for you to leave my dreams
I'm a better person now
I've been working on my faults
Feel like I've accepted it
But then summer night falls

The popcorn ceiling stares me down
I fucked up, yes I did
I'm so sorry I hurt you
I own up to all of it
Maybe they're right:
These things are skewed
They say I'm too hard on myself
But I'm so confused

And I go so quickly from feeling great
To not knowing why I feel like shit

See, I've written many letters that I never tried to send
'Cause reaching out years later might replay her distress
Yet a good apology might help those old wounds mend
And maybe honesty might help her make some sense of it
Sure, alright
So I've been thinking about it for a really long time
I said sorry poorly before, this time it's what is right
I owe it to her to properly apologize
And now I wait
She says, "You hurt me too much to accept it but thanks"
And that's okay
Please be okay

Through the years I have grown
But honestly right now,
I think I'd rather self-loathe
Relapse and indulge
How I feel is on me
I immaturely imposed unhealthy ideas of love
I'm a lonely kid, day dreamer,
Lame heart, but way weaker,
I thought she could save me and that I should've been enough to save her
And I wish we had first met later, now I have more self-love
But who am I to forgive myself for her hurt when it's her hurt, huh?
Things the memories ruin: hobbies, food and rest
And I keep taking pain pills for this pain in my chest
They don't really help 'cause I still can't get out of my bed
I re-obsess over what I worked hard to repress

I wanna cry but I got too good at keeping it in
I need a scarecrow for the bird perched on my window sill
Gotta think of the light, when the sun will shine again
Oh please let me go, let me be