I Hate Auditioning for Musicals

It's Wednesday
Halfway through the week
You feel weak, you can't speak
And you wonder
If you'll do alright

It's audition night

I hate auditioning for musicals
I hate to stand and sing what I've rehearsed
I hate auditioning for anything
But musicals, of anything, are worst

I hate the paperwork and
Hate to dance
When people sit and
Judge your every move

I forgot my headshot
And I'm wearing stupid pants
I guess you'd say today
Threw off my groove

Waiting in line till your number is read
When they call, 'forty-two'
You wish you could be dead

And as you're walking, so slow, to the door
You might trip and then slip to the floor
And then poof! You can't dance anymore
'Cause a tendon just tore

I hate auditioning for musicals
The stress is at two thousand out of five
Directors scare me even
When they're nice
And if they're scary, bury me alive

I hate my monologue and
Hate my song
I should've chosen anything but these
One minute's not enough and yet
It's much too long
I think I've lost all feeling in both knees

It's Friday
You can't say a thing
When you hear your phone ring
And your friend's words
Give you a heart attack

You got a call back

I hate the callbacks for a musical
Is casual or classy best to wear?
Do I get there early or just slightly late?

Wait
You wanna take my place? I think that's fair

I hate cold-readings
And my throat is raw
From singing till my vision's slightly blurred
I need a water bottle, Tylenol, and a saw (don't ask)
Before I sing or say another word

Everyone else seems so patient
And sane
As for you
All your nerves are corroding your brain
You wonder if you are being too shy
Or nightmarish, or garish, or dry
And you finally ask yourself why
Why do I even try?
I hate the callbacks for a musical
I never know exactly what to think
I hate to stand upon a boat of hope
For when I see the list, that boat might sink

I hate my fingers
And I hate my legs, which quiver
Like a river
Lit on fire
I think I'm finally done with musicals
That's it, I quit, I'm going to join choir

And even if you get in
You're still not safe

Think of all the things
That could possibly go wrong
Like the backing track could
Cut out in the middle of the-

Okay, that's not funny
You're not funny

You could get terrible reviews
Or get mono - that could happen
Or you mess up all your cues
Because you could choose to slip a nap in
'Cause you're sitting in the green room
And it's tricky to keep track there
'Cause no one's ever knowing what's going on
When you're back there

The show could go so poorly
That a person throws an egg
Or you do the unimaginable
And actually break a leg

So you're cast into a cast
While the cast has to master a new dance daily
But your leg in now in plaster
So you can't move any faster
Than your garden variety snail, either that
Or you try and do a pivot turn
And fall right on your tail
But the set was not quite finished
So you landed on a nail
And-

Waitwaitwait wait. Go back, go back-
Did I say 'garden variety snail'?
Are there other varieties of snail
Besides 'garden variety'?
I don't even know why it even matters. Anyway-

What if you fail to meet a quota
Or just fall right off the stage
Or use pen whenever you wrote
A note of
Blocking on the pages
Of your script

Which the director saw
And flipped into a rage
And they're making you pay for the damages
Even though you don't make minimum wage

And those scripts are extremely expensive
And I don't know why

It's Saturday
The last day of the week
You feel weak, you can't speak
'Cause you saw the list and begin to grin

You got in

Three months later

I hate cast parties after musicals
The people and the music and the food
I leave three minutes after I arrive
Even if my leaving might be rude

I hate the process of a musical
Auditions, callbacks, practices and shows
Musicals are nothing but a stressful mess
I'm quite surprised that anybody goes
To see them
Those people onstage - don't be them
If your kids want to join, please free them
Tell them no
Never audition for a show

Just don't