Vulnerability

Glued to the measure of self
Socializing my soul to death
They tell me its connection
Tucked in my hand from the moment my eyes open
Flood me with sensory details so i am numb to my own

Can you hear me? 聞こえる？届く？私の声

Whispers of a snuffed voice inside
About to die as i pace this floor
From bedroom to bathroom door
I suffocate from the weight of tiny LED lights stuffing my throat

Stuffing our throat 喉を喉を喉を詰まらせる

With funny videos and dance challenges
And privileged fueled shenanigans that are really crimes
But no one's ready to say that
So
Swipe to the next influencer
Swipe to the next visual
Swipe with the volume on twenty
So it can't get in me
The lurking voice reminding what I'm ignoring
The reality outside this floor
I beat the thoughts from my brain
Hitting one side of my head to shoot them out the other
Like a piggy bank expect the treasure isn't what falls out
But the emptiness left over

Can you hear me
I don't want to

聞こえる？届く？私の声
手を伸ばせば届く
すぐ側の存在
近すぎて気づかずに
遠ざかってたりもする

目の前の道
真っすぐ進めばいい
近すぎて気づかずに
見失ってたりもする

You can't see the water damage
Tear stains carved deep canyons beneath my skin over the years
Those empty chambers can still be filled with flash floods with the flick of a switch
When people compare their scars impressed upon them by tough love
I have little to show them that wasn't self-inflicted
Time healed battle scars on wrists I used to keep covered with colorful bracelets
Worshipping something I barely understood on my knees in Church
Knees were more bruised in front of a porcelain altar in the quiet hours of the night

You're useless and can't do anything right
Everyday we have to fight
And I'm tired of carrying you around

Can't you feel me?

Of course
Every time I burn you
Singe you with a reminder of how we can't do anything right
We've fallen so far behind everyone else
Can't you see
SWIPE
Don't you know
SWIPE
How far we could go
SWIPE

If we were only better
Smarter
Stronger
Efficient
Effective
Not us

SWIPE

I've had to pull myself back from the edge time and again
Learned to temper heartbreak against words that still echo on repeat
Years down the line
Accepted that I would never get the kind of love
I needed from those who share my blood
I'm constantly relearning that I'm stronger for it

They call it connection
And when I'm fully connected the hours tick by faster
We waste away sooner
And I like it
And I hate it
And I want it
And I want to run from it

My chosen family is constantly helping me check my generosity
Because self-worth is something that still tastes brand new
Confidence is not my default when I was bred to not give attitude
On good days, I know I'm no damsel in distress
Waiting for a white knight to spirit me away
I've taken sledge hammers to the crumbling walls of castles
in jungles my family fought for
Set fire to the foundations of all I know and laughed till I cried

Tell me that we can still heal
Tell me that we can still feel

I know my words scar far more now
When I sit for hours looking at windows that block our soul
Instead of seeing it
Finding it
Feeding it

They call it connection

Running 3 screens at once for 1 client
I am doing the best with what I (We) have

Best for who?

Because I don't feel connected
I feel every day is a rainy day
Or Monday
Even with sunshine

I want to curl up in my bed
And add more weight to my body to match my sagging soul
Hopefully they'll negate each other and I'll feel whole

If I close my eyes I feel whole

How long can I keep them closed
When I open them can I breathe outside again
When I open them, can I believe in us again
When I open them, can I not be so connected

A long time ago, once upon a time ago
I pried up the ancient ruins that spiral down down for centuries
Broke the patterns and endless cycles I refuse to dance to the tune of anymore

We let go of fairy tales

I grew up
I flew far, far away
Until I couldn't fly further
Until I had to fly back to my family home, nowhere else to go

Douse all the old insecurities and habits in gasoline and paint
When someone gaslight me
Stockpile soft words and good memories like kindling
To keep me fighting
When I'm back in the eye of the storm I was born in
And the demons want to come out to play

それがもう苦しくて
それがもう切なくて
5それでも生きたくて
進んだりもする

It's the way I thought I understood
The Universe
And my place in your heart