Sick Day

Ok, sittin here on my sick day
I know there's a lot I been missin
Cuz I've not been listenin
And my body's got a lot to say

Had to stay in one place
And be stationary
Had to rest and remain
Life's felt precarious lately

It's not that I'm scared of changes
Half my life's been rearranged
Like a book with too many pages
After a while, you start to feel buried

It's a lot to carry
Not long ago, I was married
Anniversary on the shore alone
La playa de Olón

Quinto año, can't believe
Medianoche, set the scene
Offline phone still got Al Green
Bring on the grieving
(Bring on the grieving)

Sand on my feet
Song on repeat
Bring on the grief
I feel the breeze

Cast my ring to the ocean
Crashing waves of emotion
Dance and sing slow motion
Will I ever find home again?

Why am I alone again?
Why am I on my phone again?
Why do I prolong and pretend
Avert and evade my own reflection?

I'm sorry, old friend, it
Was never my intention
To avoid or neglect you
On closer inspection

You deserve respect and
If what you need is connection
I'll be there for you
You be checkin this next section

2019
Not the way I thought it would be
I'd been dreamin and schemin
And I never woulda forseen it

Three synoptics
Fucked off with
The only known copy of the Gospel
Leaving only John to deal

To process and heal
To carry of the cost of bills
To restock & refill
Carry a cross up a hill

Forgive them, Father, move on and rebuild
Forgive me, Father
I don't know if I got those skills
I'm not like the boss, not strong with the wills

Your leavin felt like stealin
We had an honest-to-God legal agreement, an actual pact
But fuck the facts when panic attacks
Pack, grab stacks, and leave, right?

But fuck the line you signed, you're like
"When it's time, it's time," right?
Must be nice to be livin the type of life
Leavin in the dead of night

Disappear debt-free in amnesty
Cancel the financials
Damn, Daniel
What about me?

If the self is cast in community
I am who I am cuz you each have a piece of me
So when you left
You dismantled me

After the leaving and grieving
Usher in a new type of season
Never felt this before
It's foreign to me, it's a novel feeling

My presence matters
I can finally see it
My friends and family always preached it
But I never believed em

Never could achieve it
Till the day they g-gave me a reason
Cuz I opened up and gave my deepest
They thanked me for
My frankness and realness

I never imagined they'd be glad
To have the real me
Brought me to tears when Zach kept me intact
It made me weep

All this beautiful newness
I'm still getting used to it
It's sublime, it's just a lot of movement, and
Stillness is soothing