Dear Karens

Dear Karens who've never complained to the manager
Dear Kyles who never once punched through drywall
Dear Chads who never once shouted, "Jägerbombs!" at the bar
Dear Lindas who never worked in HR
Dear Stacys who've never had a hot mom

I'm sorry that these people have co-opted your name
I'm sorry 'cause you're innocent
No, you're not to blame
But now every time you meet somebody new, the conversation's the same

Or worse: they sing at you!
Sweet Caroline
Ba ba ba

Dear Delilahs who don't know what it's like in New York City
'Cause you've never been here
Dear Jessies who've never had a girl (Poor Jessie)
Dear Felicias who don't like saying goodbye
Dear Alexas who don't know what the weather's like outside
Dear Victorias who can't keep a fucking secret

I'm sorry that these assholes have co-opted your name
I'm sorry 'cause you're innocent
No, you're not to blame
But not every time you meet somebody new, the conversation's the same

Sincerely, a Caitlin
But I've never been a platinum blonde horse girl
I've never snapped other girls' bra straps in the seventh grade
Oh no