With Apologies To Larry Raiken

I'm so sorry, Uncle Larry, that I haven't called today
But I'm sleeping until sundown and I just can't get away
From the dreams in my head, they've come here to stay
I'd ask you for advice, but I know what you'd say

And I'm sorry that I missed you this past Sunday at noon
But I'm having trouble telling our Decembers from June
Then again, and this may make me sound like a loon
But your hours would be wasted on my turns playing goons

Hurts to say, I admit, but I've made up my mind
So when I tell you the punchline, do your best to be kind
But spinning in that circle just ain't my kinda grind
I'd rather drive a tractor
Cause I am not an actor

I'm so sorry, Uncle Larry, that I've spoiled your Christmas jam
With my trying to be something other than a glazéd ham
All your guests could see right through my cellophane sham
More bereaved than a beaver who has busted up your dam

And I'm sorry that I haven't come up north to visit you
But you and I know just how much this burg can turn me blue
They took me, like a tiger in the Victorian Zoo
And they drove out all my fire with a club and a cue

Hurts to do, I must say, cause I've come to conclude
That I just don't have the stomach for the lifestyle so rude
Even though I'd survive with these gifts I'm imbued
Still, my soul is fractured
And I am not an actor
And

Thank you for the patience, and thanks for all the laughs
And thank you for the parma ham and tea
And thank you for the solace
And your piece of mind in half
For the pity of a solemn sack like me

I'm so sorry, Uncle Larry, that my show is put on hold
But the fools who run the playhouse say my vision's far too bold
So I stand here on the bridge as I fight off the cold
What I'd give, oh for the breadhouse
That we made out of gold

And I'm sorry that I'm sending you this message in a song
I don't want to hurt your feelings, or to stretch this out too long
But in finding a career path, I would say I was wrong
Now I'm standing in the orange and they're going to hit the gong

Hurts to think, I conclude, how I've wasted our years
Over something oh so joyous giving me so many tears
But the thought of doing clown work in the absence of cheers
That was all that factored
And I am not an actor