Never Enough

I ride the streets around here just about every evening
It's good to get the sunlight in and the scenery because soon I'll be leaving
The sights have stayed the same
More or less, I can say
The occasional field that we were unwise in as kids are now just estates
But they were good to me
We had our first touch, drink and smoke
Thinking it's cool to sit and get stoned
But really we should've stayed at home alone
Anyway, that's all done

On a clear evening the skylight might be enough in time to make me feel alright
But never enough to keep me close

I was hit by a car last year
The concussion fucked me up
To you an excuse that I'd always use when in truth you never really had it in you
For something that I 'made up' the evidence is fairly there
A scar on my head from where it split and bled and my pupils dilate at different rates
Instead of the two perfect circles that used to watch me back
That now are content on a future that's meant to forgive themselves and forget
You'll only do it all again
Until you've got no one left
But the dregs you'll call friends that you used to pretend were there for you when you weren't there for them

On a quiet evening the twilight might be enough to make me feel alive
But never enough to keep me close

As I felt low in the backseat
Listening to Micheline
Tales of lovers, dead friends and others
And god I do worry about my brothers
But I trust that they're okay
We're wired in different ways
Their hedonism and hazy days and my sadness still taking me away
And this self-pity of mine
It's not all bad, by the by
Some days I feel like I might hit 30, on others even 29
It's true what they say
You don't feel yourself getting older
With pains and body aches and a brain that turns in on itself as the days get colder
Though that's really nothing new
A steady presence since youth
I've tried to shake it, sleep it off and fake it
But there's something else I'm craving

On coastline evenings the shoreline might be enough to not want to call time
But never enough to keep me close

Vindictive, spiteful boy
Standing as a man
Only in age do playground games give way to the burden of shame
So I've just spent this month
Watching Love and The Breakfast Club
I try to keep social, thoughtful and mobile but sometimes I'm just not able
I was quiet as a kid
Scared of speaking
But what's shy next to speaking for speakings sake
The former seems like the better way
But now though I'm alright
Settled in my ways
A good bunch of people that I call friends and only half of my past down as a mistake

With a single feeling the night light might be enough to make me sleep tonight
But never enough to keep me close

The future's a cautious place
And more unfulfilling with time
When you plough your own furrow the idea of tomorrow can sometimes make you feel like you shouldn't even bother
But for now I guess I will
Because I'm walking and breathing still
Anyway, I'm going on
So I'd best go
The ghost of me 10 years ago
XO