Vessels

Watching from the window
The upper deck of my boat
Streets begin to flow with life and purpose
Just like before
9 to fivers
Evening workers
And all the inbetweeners
Post-job few pint socializers
Quick-hello-in-the-street-ers
And lets-just-chat-to-pass-the-time-rs
While society rolls back in

I was launched into this voyage with a weakness for capsizing,
Sunken cost dictating the pace,
But see, I thought we all set off from the port the same
Vessels with funny sounding names
Canvas hoisted higher, hand over fist in vain,
Nautical maps approved by committee
And their one size fits all attitude to individual ability

We hold precious & close our special play-list of songs to sing as we head out to sea
Every sailor needs a good sea shanty, don't we?
It's more than that,
We need
There's a weight or a shadow in the hull that's distracting,
But the weather outside looks fine!
And as far as I know
Everyone's voyage will be identical to mine
If they can do it, so can I,
Right?

Right into the path of a wave
And another and another
Rip-tides, pirates and currents are churning
My stomach, and blurring my vision
Once again I'm dropping anchor, with longing
For stronger sea legs and conviction
Now an era of continual repair
Any progress negated by distressingly casual wear and tear
And the acts of opportunists, looters and strangers
My vessel was not built for this
Or so it feels
A pulse of powerful beams splintering the wheel
Changing course better be worth the heavy bleed if I'm to find an even keel

I am asking permission
To sink, sail or swim
Red hands outstretched to an overwhelming cerulean
I wish to navigate it's structure the way that people do,
With inbuilt guidance and communication so fluid)
To walk on water as I'd walk on this sea-soaked wood
Decks untouched and free from the sticky residue
Of chasing that collective heartbeat that inside, I never knew

It wasn't this fresh, distanced reality that caught my breath
But the reminder that I'd have to do it all over again,
Waken my need for safe, meaningful connection held near
Distance between us not just across turbulence and tiers
But the splashes of history thickening my fears
A painful aversion to loud and crowded piers,
Anxiety unappeased by the re-opening's this year

So
From the port hole
I watch the Swell below

Night-shift's ending
Day-shift's ending
Lock-down's ending
Time to start pretending that I'm not scared

Spoon-spending
Boundary-bending
Sense-defending
And am begging for some strong wind in my sails

The idea of strength in numbers
Cast asunder
Fear of others
Always influencing my boat

And yeah not everybody plunders
Lone ships in
Open waters
But I have to stay afloat

If I could move like the school's of fish below,
I could join the dance of silvery pieces making a whole
But I'm drenched and clinging on beam ends, and
Wondering what became of the fish that spent it's life thinking it was less than,
Because they really believed they should be able to climb a tree,
Or sail a ship... whatever metaphor fits
It feels like all I can see are fish in trees,
Uninhibited by tidal waves, nets and ocean worries
Or my unavoidable fixation on sinking
If this is normality at sea
I need to find safer waters for me

So I cut and run,
Turn my back on the fleet,
I'll choose a paper boat
Haphazardly drifting down a stream
Put myself in Kingsley's fairy-tale story,
Make my great journey to the sea

But in my own goddamn time

Because I shouldn't have to start there
In a dark and salty abyss
Where my deepest, formidable waters
Are only up to other people's shins,
Populated coves and treasure troves
Are further down the line
for a vessel that does what it needs to do
In order to survive
In shallow rivers,
Maybe I'll finally learn the ropes
Send a message in a bottle to those far-away folks
Not to give up hope,
I might cope if I don't sink my ship or lose my lifeboats
As long as I stop trying to pretend that this Seasickness doesn't affect my existence.
There are calmer waters out there.
I believe it.
My paper vessel may become wooden
If circumstances conceive it
But I won't force it

My fellow struggling wayfarers, enduring tidal waves and lonely days,
Bay your sea shanty out and listen for a change
In the air
Even a ripple
A small breeze
Take your time in the rivers and lochs
Until it's safe to sail downstream.