i feel better when nobody remembers i exist

I think I feel more relieved when no one remembers I exist
Because the butterflies in my stomach have flown through my heart
And are stuck in my throat
And I think for once I'm okay with being alone

No one cares when you cry, they're only there when you smile
Sometimes I want to reverse it all back to when I was a child
Dealing with scarred knees instead of scarred wrists
Not feeling the urge to crash my bike
Will you remember me when I'm gone

This city is so busy yet no one can see the tears on my cheeks
Because I painted them blue so they would blend in
I try to paint my blackened heart red again so it will beat faster
But I don't know why I even bother

Tell me, if I float face down in a river this Tuesday, who will be my lifeguard
Will the fish feed on me so at least I have a use
Or will I just decompose
Wake up, wake up

I turn my pockets inside out so you'll see that I'm empty
I'll hold on tight to the last text that you sent me, I'm so weak
They say one foot in front of the other
But it's hard when your own shoelaces are out to get you
They say one day at a time
But it's hard when even the sun glares at you with angry eyes

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
But then he realized he didn't have anything to live for at all
So he had his great fall
My own fantasies, my own cartoons in my mind can't even be an escape
I'm backed in a corner but I don't have the strength to choose fight or flight
So I give up and let it overtake me

If you have a second, maybe you can hear what I preach
Maybe you can watch me nail my hands on this wall
Maybe you can listen to me spread my religion of pain
Because it's all that I know how to deal with this