Gaston

Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Gaston
Lookin' so down in the dumps
Every guy here'd love to be you, Gaston
Even when takin' your lumps

There's no man in town as admired as you
You're everyone's favorite guy
Everyone's awed, and inspired by you
And it's not very hard to see why

No one's slick as Gaston
No one's quick as Gaston
No one's neck's as incredibly thick as Gaston
For there's no man in town half as manly
Perfect, a pure paragon
You can ask any Tom, Dick or Stanley
And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on

No one's been like Gaston
A kingpin like Gaston
No one's got a swell cleft in his chin like Gaston
As a specimen, yes, I'm intimidating
My-what a guy that Gaston!

When I was a lad, I ate four dozen eggs
Every morning to help me get large
And now that I'm grown, I eat five dozen eggs
So I'm roughly the size of a barge

No one shoots like Gaston
Makes those beauts like Gaston
Then goes trompin' around wearing boots, like Gaston
I use antlers in all of my decoratin'
Say it again
Gaston!