Special Ed

In 1986
I was 5 years old
In kindergarten class
Not doing what I was told
Cause the alphabet was boring
And coloring gave me fits
So I sat there blowing spit bubbles
And making fart noises with my armpits

So the teacher called a meeting
With my mom and dad
And the news she had to give them
Was really really bad

She said I think your son belongs in special ed
I think that there's a chance that he was dropped right on his head
So were gonna give him a test to see what's wrong with him instead
And then we're gonna put him in special ed

The test was really easy
I finished it real fast
Then I went and took my seat
In the back of the class
And when the results came back
They couldn't believe their eyes
So they called another meeting
And much to my surprise

She said I'm sorry that we tried to put him in special ed
Turns out he's not retarded, he's a genius instead
So instead of kindergarten, he's gonna move ahead
To the 6th grade cause we think he's special

It seems they were mistaken
I'm really not that smart
I've made no contributions
To the sciences or arts
Turns out that I'm just average
They really got it wrong
My parents thought they were getting a rocket scientist
And now they get these songs

The story isn't over
The song has one more verse
Cause the 6th grade was terrifying
And the kids there were the worst
Cause they stole all of my lunch money
And called me a little dweeb
And they'd stuff me in the trashcan
Or a toilet full of pee

So we had another meeting
This one was the last
And this time I spoke up
And got just what I asked

I don't wanna be in the 6th grade or special ed
Just put me back in kindergarten or I'm gonna wind up dead
When I grow up I know that I'm just going to be fucked up in the head
So I'll just sit down in the back row and pretend to care about letters
Yeah, I'll color in the lines if it will make everyone feel better
But if you leave me with these asswipes I'll be a 40 year old bed wetter
That's the story of how I almost went to special ed