I Feel Like Dying

When I go through this shit i never feel there's an answer
I see my mother smile in my head 'fore i do something stupid
I see a body God gave me right before i abuse it
I see consequence of my actions before i go through em
Knives ropes sharp objects all the above
I can end it all today when i'm numb enough
I love my girlfriend but still for real it's fuck that bitch
I love my niggas but still for real it's fuck my friends
Mixed pills by the dresser and it's raining hard extra
I miscount them on purpose i might end up on a stretcher
But fuck it if that's the blessing got more than a e for effort
For all the hell that i'm living I close my eyes and see heaven
I'm lost in my head can't find out what I want from me
I'm his child but feel like God play with our custody
I feel at peace with my demons how they come for me
Staring at the sky like grandma you need some company i'm coming

I had a dream last night a black car rolled up on a nigga
And when he pulled his mask down it was me
I stared in my eyes had the glock out ready
To blast no fear like end this now i'll be happy with that
I ain't attempt to run i slowly smiled I told him to shoot
Then i pulled back the trigger and before i knew
I woke up in a cold sweat heat on my side
Not because i died in the dream cause i woke up alive
I felt relieved from the scars that ain't heal ya'll ain't get to see
For all the times i couldn't eat for the times i couldn't sleep
For times i had to taste my tears and all the prayers ain't reach
I pulled that glock out in my dream and i was almost free
Woke up to a headache empty stomach and anxiety
And my reflection in the mirror waving bye to me
Will ya'll really miss me if it's crucial for the kid
Or I go through on my latest suicidal attempt
Like fuck ya'll