Start of the First

Remember days in that quarantine
Tryna find ways to kill the pain that was engorging me
Tryna find rays through all the rain that would pour on me
Tryna find games to keep my brain movement orderly
Tryna find cake that steady rates can't accord to me
Tryna find fame with zero dates in my touring season
Tryna find care while seeing hate from authorities and
Tryna find aid through all the shame of dropping quarterly
But what's the shame in a quarterly drop?
I kick knowledge, get violent then I flow to a stop
Get quiet, spend nights inscribing flows in my logs
Spend time, insist I deserve a flow of regards
Until I notice the scars
It ain't about bars, learned that the hard way
Rapped a few minutes like working on Broadway
Then turned into Erik, went phantom then dispersed in an odd way
Dropped the pen and tried enduring a stock way of living

But the pen kept calling my name
The pen kept calling my name
But the pen kept calling my name
The pen kept calling my name

Pressure building, I'm 'bout to explode on all those who say they next
Or claim that I ain't
I'm getting tested day after day demonstrating my fate
You see the stress and pain in my face
And wait for me to give you proof that I can handle my weight
Where my spotters at?
When searching for a meal, where my spotters at?
When searching for a kill, where my shotters at?
Been doing this all my life with a few guys who do ride
And when I'm getting pressed
Know there's two sides to every situation
Or maybe more, depending how you view it
I been moving while the skeptics steady stooping
Accusing me of being the bad guy
When I ain't do a thing except believe in the bad guy
I'm pleading my stance flies
I'm feeling so damn tired
I'm seeing you ask why
Well I don't got the time to feed you the rap
Truth is, that was my mans
So giving credence to guarantees by him seemed fair
And I'ma leave it that, I'm done
With putting trust in those who couldn't give a
About my best interests
Or say I love you 'til they next interest drives by
Whether that's pussy, paper, poetry, power or pistols
Just know it could be dangerous knowing B's out here to get you
I wrote this joint in a frantic panic
Was up 'til the early morning scrambling
Wondering where I stand with
All the people who's first impression of me was "Damn
This kid's just a flash in the pan"
Until I realized the only people giving twelve F's about my well-being
Were right here just glad that I am who I swear that I am
And trust, this not a victim complex
It's complex, I'm tryna be as thorough as possible while I comp lex
So bear with me as I bear injuries
Declare swiftly it's your death if you ain't here with me
They been shifty, I'm the best and y'all don't even know it
The rap game is more ironic than Clayton Bigsby
So here's to nineteen
I'm praying that by spitting my heart
I shatter proofs of how a spitter can talk
Or how a winner can bark
Or how a killer can spark
Or how you feel ill from wind chills a sentence involves
I don't start fights, my pops told me hit 'em with bars
But if the angle calls for it, then be willing to sprawl
Written in blood
My pen stay redder than Raw
But I'll still lay the smackdown on villains

And I do it 'cause the pen keeps calling my name
The pen keeps calling my name
I said the pen keeps calling my name
The pen keeps calling my name