Haunted By Valor

They say I was brave in the face of danger
But if that's true, why am I so scared?
They say I fought with honor when I shot those strangers
But if that's true, then why can't I bear

The weight of this valor
The ghosts of my yesterday
This feeling that I'm not a good man at all
The weight of my valor
The price of my honor
This notion that I have no right to stand tall

For the good of my country, I did things and saw things
That no decent person should ever so or see
For the sake of my children, I battled the demons
I was told were a threat to them and to me
But those demons have followed me home from the war
And they mock and they laugh at all I have lost
My mind is unraveling, my marriage is ended
My children are safe now but what was the cost

I spend so much time alone with my thoughts
Struggling to find a way out
I try to remember the good times I had
And not dwell on the ghosts that haunt
But my thoughts went wild, ran dark, turned into-
But no, I can never tell
A thought so wicked, so heinous, that surely
It cemented my place in Hell
And my demons, they follow and taunt and ensure
That I can think of nothing else
And no tears of remorse or acts of repentance
Can ever be enough to remove this curse

The stain of this valor
The echoes of yesterday
The certainty that I have sealed my fate
The weight of my valor
The loss of my mind
The knowledge that prayer is too little, too late