Pitiful Prayers

Why my prayers are always longer?
When I stand before a crowd
But they're always shortened to the point when there is no one else around
See, I forget You when I prosper
But then I accuse You when I fall
I'm the least of all the saints who thinks he's better than them all

I say I won't deny my God
Or let the them burn me at the stake
But I denied You more than thrice, and so-called "far too busy days"
I eat the bounty of Your crops
And then complain about the rain
I cursed the Christ that bore my sins because I bear a little pain

I used to stumble in the darkness
Knowing nothing of Your peace
But now I wander in the danger that You gave me eyes to see
You must have softened half my heart
It seems to show in every prayer
Like, yes Lord, I'll anoint Your feet, but don't make me mess up my hair
I wanna give You all the glory, but then I tremble at the cost

Like, Jesus, what's the easy way that I can carry this cross?
Then I hear You only choose the few, oh
And I naturally disputed, but when I look at all my sin
I ask my I would be included?
Why did you still withhold your wrath?
Why did You choose to give me grace?
Why send Your perfect son to die?
In my profanely wicked place
It is the mystery of the gospel
The constant strain upon my mind

The Lord before Isaiah's eyes stepped off the throne
To come and die
But I sit there in that room, and Your Holy Word sits on my desk
But these hands, oh God, these hands feel too unclean
To reach and grasp my greatest rest
But here I am before You
Nothing in my hands but doubts
Begging You to search my heart and kill the part that wants you out

Don't let me toss around like waves
I'm far too weak to feel this scared
Lord, I don't need to touch Your wounds for I'm the one that put them there
A fool that only caused You pain, yet you released me from these fetters
But did You release me from these chains for me to tell You I know better?
This pride, oh this pride creeps in to tell me that I never need Your help
But meeting Jesus was the worse thing that ever happened to myself
God, I'm so sick of being sad, oh man of sorrows, be my joy
I don't need my faith to deconstruct, I need my sin to be destroyed

I need to memorize Your word, oh Spirit guide my mind to Christ
I need to stop watching the world
When only Jesus offers life
So give me strength, give me strength to fight this battle
And from only sin help me retreat
So I can one day win the most beautiful and glorious extravagant crown
To cast before my Saviour's feet