Honest

I'm really not convinced of God right now
I know to you that might seem odd right now
Like, being who I used to be, right?
How could I end up where I am right now?

Angry with my life, a life I never wanted
Feel my window closing, pedal down, just gun it
All because of bad advice I took, believing it was what God wanted
Who's the crook?

Every day I ache, the risks I have to take
To just survive inside this life I have to fake
To make it out alive, get to the other side
Become the man I saw inside this dream of mine

But can I pay the bills? It's so cold outside
And the student loans? God, I hate my life
What really gets me is that I am where I am
Because I didn't take my own advice

Yeah, for years and years, I gave it all I had
Watered all the good, weeded out the bad
I denied myself in ways they can't imagine
Didn't even listen to "Everything's Magic"

Despite all this my mental health declined
And the physical, it followed close behind
Yeah, I prayed about it like a million times (but nothin')
Starting to think that this whole God-will-heal-you thing's a lie

If I am honest with myself, and I try
I'm finding it hard for me to see what I have seen
And believe what I've believed for my whole life
But I'll still be honest with myself, and I'll try
To seek out the heart of our existence
With kindness and persistence
Love and truth the guiding beacons of my life

When I was a kid, I felt this sense of purpose
Help them with my music, tell them that they're worth it
Now my days are filled with things that don't belong
Am I where I should be or is where I am wrong?

Spent a decade on this road through fire
Caught in a dream job, feeling like a liar
'Cause it wasn't me and it was plain to see
That being good at something don't mean it's your dream

Their advice and not listening to me
The prestigious job and then the misery
On the roof all day when I could barely breathe
I'm starting to get the sense that this is not for me

Now I admit that part of my delay
Was about a problem, yeah, I was afraid
In the interviews, I'd heard people say
That they'd sold their souls so they could feel the fame

So, I went to college, asking God to lead me
Listening for God with all I had, believe me
Did my best to follow God as I could feel
Got so dark I think that model of God's real

Look, I think that there's a God
But I think He's not
Quite what we were taught

Applying what I learned
Mostly got me burned
I got quite concerned

That I'd been taught a lie, time to change the program
It don't work and I ain't gon' burn and slow dance
Even if it means that I'm on my own, alone
I'm striking out to find the truth, I gotta know

If I am honest with myself, and I try
I'm finding it hard for me to see what I have seen
And believe what I've believed for my whole life
But I'll still be honest with myself, and I'll try
To seek out the heart of our existence
With kindness and persistence
Love and truth the guiding beacons of my life

I guess this chapter and what brings us here
(By the way, that intro's from a different year)
I've been wrestling with God, I know it's weird
Thank Him there, but I'm not convinced of Him here

I am not insane, just honest with my pain
And my experience is different than they say
Everything will be, if you don't know, just tell me
Don't perpetuate the ignorance and stall me

So, I made a choice I had to leave
A life that only ever made me scared and grieve
What they said was close but there was something more
That I had to find out to be what I could be...

Hope...

Maybe one day I'll look back and see
This was all plan and God was leading me
So that I could write this song and help you out
Of a life that filled you up with fear and doubt

I am finally in a different zone
Hope shining bright and I don't feel alone
Following my gut and being brave and kind
Being honest, seeing truth and the Divine

So, if your situation's very dire
And you find yourself upon a road through fire
I hope this song gives you a shot of hope
Listen to it when you feel alone

We can find the gardens, we can learn to fly
Been to hell and back a couple times and I
Am finally finding hope, I'm finally feeling free
I know that it could work for you, it worked for me