After Jane

Lately I've been thinking about you alone
In that Tampa apartment
Shaking by the TV set alone
With no friends in your apartment
I think that's why I made a point that year
Of watching all Chicago games
That was the same year you disappeared
That was the same year I changed

You and your mother and father would watch them
Together talking on the phone too
And since the three of you are gone now
I can watch them for you
Remember thinking on that day
For years - to me you've been dead already
I was hurt so bad
I built a castle wall
To block all the things that you said to me

And the hole in your heart's passed to me down
I find it sort of funny how...
The more that I live and the more I do wrong
It's easier and harder to sing my songs

Remember our visit on Christmas eve when
You didn't recognize who I was
You thought I was an actor playing your son
You quizzed me
I got right every one
Remember thinking on that night
For years - Your mind had been gone already
I could feel your ribs
You took an ocean of pills
Nervous for how you would act for me

Now the grace in that pain's passed to me down
When I think of that night it's funny now
The more that I live and the more I do wrong
I'm channeling your hurt when I sing my songs

You were never cleaned up enough to remember
You saying 'I don't love you'
But since I know that wasn't you speaking
I can say it for you
Your skeptical soul lives on in me
We hate bureaucrats, rules, and shame
We spit on the doctor who thought she was better
Presuming that she knew your pain

Now the beat of your heart's passed to me down
I feel you laughing on my brow
The more that I live and the more I do wrong...
I'm channeling your heart
When I sing my songs
The more that I live and the more I do wrong...
I'm channeling your heart
When I sing my songs