It Would Never Have Worked

It's over, we've missed the bus,
A nice idea, but not for us;
We didn't click, let's make it quick
And say goodbye;
Don't hold my hand and don't demand
A reason why...
No loving looks... No fond regards...
Tonight, was always on the cards...

I like big muscles, you were thin and lanky;
I like nice manners, you were far too cranky;
You blew your nose and then looked in your hanky;
Things would never have worked.

Your taste in furniture was far to spartan;
Your sense of humour was to kindergaten;
Your tatoo'd bottom, who thought of tartan?
Things would never have worked.

I wanted champagne and oysters,
'Cos that's the way I am;
You gave me Vimto... tinned carrots...
And spam.

Rapport's a thing you just can't manufacture;
You had an ideal girl... I couldn't match her;
I didn't want to, it was Mrs Thatcher;
Things would never have worked.

I wanted love to come and knock our blocks off;
But even Venus takes her card and clocks off;
Your idea of foreplay was to take your socks off;
Things would never have worked.

I wanted moonlight, roses,
And all that silly tosh;
You wanted gerbils... A whippet...
A wash.

I wanted love poems, but you couldn't write them;
My earlobes nibbled, but you wouldn't bite them;
You'd only fart and then attempt to light them;
Things would never have worked.

We're not compatible, let's not get blue, dear;
At least we see each other's point of view, dear;
I like big hunky men, and so do you dear;
Things would never have worked!