Thought Loops

I remember walkin to the store for the fam
Pickin up the groceries I was about eleven
Didn't understand situations I'm in
Took it all for granted, but I wasn't granted much
Ran into a problem at an early age, dealin with the rage
Had to channel it, we lookin to escape
Learned it hella soon that I had to make room
I didnt have room, so I made me a place
Fantasy n more lies, stay in paradise
Playin videogames to cover up the pain
Same way that momma had to cover up the shame of the life that she gave
Wasn't much, didnt give a fuck
Knew I stayed away from a lot growin up
Til a spark rolled up tried set it all off
Dynamite blow when the truth unfolds
Saw the world that I know fall apart crumble

Learnin what she did, the demons were hid
Til I figured out shit, what to make out of this
Gimme one wish couldn't handle what it is
If I saw the chance would I even take it
Even if I could, do you think I deserved it
Even if I didn't, you suppose I need to earn it
Either way I look can't change I ain't perfect
Nothin that I did mattered til I unlearned it

Can't resolve it, so I drink it
Can't solve it, overthinkin
Same problems never sinkin
Same options, don't see it
Don't want it, but I need it
Can't call it, I ain't seen it
Some feel wrong when I speak it
Don't wanna talk or I'll believe it

Didn't pray back then cause of too much fear
Sorry bout the story if it ain't clear
Lotta holes in my memory trauma blocked out
Lotta holes in my brain, drank blacked out
Short term, long term, homie take a pick
I met people off a coke binge, sick and it slick
Different people growin up, an adult didn't know
When his time as a child was called normal
13 Switches and I still get pressed
What type a person livin sane, didn't stress
Got no excuse, definin what it is
Bout half my life I was a homeless kid
Hittin 18 no longer a child
Didnt grow up disciplined, didn't know how to live
Focused on what I didn't want, not what I got
So the demons that I hid made me think I ain't shit
So I'm stuck when I sit
In the ground where I dig
Got my feet in a ditch
Am I man or a kid
I hold onto comfort like it's all I got
Cause stability is all that I miss
Grew up in chaos I been made aware of the abyss

Learnin what she did, the demons were hid
Til I figured out shit, what to make out of this
Gimme one wish couldn't handle what it is
If I saw the chance would I even take it
Even if I could, do you think I deserved it
Even if I didn't, you suppose I need to earn it
Either way I look can't change I ain't perfect
Nothin that I did mattered til I unlearned it

Can't resolve it, so I drink it
Can't solve it, overthinkin
Same problems never sinkin
Same options, don't see it
Don't want it, but I need it
Can't call it, I ain't seen it
Some feel wrong when I speak it
Don't wanna talk or I'll believe it

Never goin back
Smokin on that sack
Lobby full of trash
Kids sit by the glass
Cuts turn to a gash
Never takin baths
Sleepin on a cot
No pillows n no naps
Seein a relapse
I tell you if you're trapped
You shouldn't feel relaxed
Drugs were all she had
Making things less bad
She didn't show us that
But we seen enough to know

Curtains didn't hang
Wind blow cold
Doors knock with a bang
Windows stayed cracked
Bed bugs attack
Methheads sneak in through the back
Can't tell if Avelino dyin caused that
Avelino did
He had the SIDS
My lil brother dead only
2 Months in
To a life he lived
Mom couldn't bear
Her son now gone

Were the Drugs her first or last resort
Would you know what to do if you went through the same thing
Do I keep livin with the pain that you gave me
Wonder if she asked do my kids hate me

Were the drugs her first or last resort

Tryna make a way without losin sight of my aim
So many things almost buried me in my pain
I could've easily been circlin the drain
But I chose not to give up or give in to the strain
It's a wonder that I even wonder what I ain't
If it was you you would never look back again
If it was you, could you even try to fathom it mayne
If it was you, would you even want to try n explain

Can't resolve it, so I drink it
Can't solve it, overthinkin
Same problems never sinkin
Same options, don't see it
Don't want it, but I need it
Can't call it, I ain't seen it
Some feel wrong when I speak it
Don't wanna talk or I'll believe it
Can't resolve it, so I drink it
Can't solve it, overthinkin
Same problems never sinkin
Same options, don't see it
Don't want it, but I need it
Can't call it, I ain't seen it
Some feel wrong when I speak it
Don't wanna talk or I'll believe it

You gotta ride it out
Oh! Okay, Oh yeah I've already had that thought
I must be in a thought loop, I'll just think of something else
No, dude you gotta ride it out, remember
Cause you're in a thought loop
Oh, of course I'm in a thought loop, I'll just
Dude you have already had all these thoughts
Oh, okay, so I'm in a thought loop. I'll think of something else
You've already tried that and there was nothing else
You gotta ride it out. Oh. Okay... But I've already thought of that
Yeah dude, cause you're in a thought loop
Oh, okay, well then I'll just think of something else
No, you gotta ride it out. Remember? Oh, I remember
Cause I've already had all these thoughts