Do Not Listen

I grew up getting used to
Living my life in doubt and fear
Desensitized to all my emotions
In a drought of clear
Direction of where my life was going
I hoped the end was near
It would be the only form of closure
It was so severe
I acted like I was fire
Acted like just one of my peers
But really my spirit was disappearing with every year
Of coming home to a father
Who'd do nothing but drown in beer
Alcohol addiction
My mother breaking down in tears
You said "well why didn't you ever tell me?"
Well you never asked
And I just didn't want you to worry
So I kept the act
Found a girl that helped for a while
But I got too attached
I trauma dumped and I kept her down
So, that didn't last
Since then I've been having
Trust issues like you wouldn't believe it
I've been pushing my friends away
And I can tell that they see it
Thank god they still choose to stay
Even though the friendship's so uneven
If I can't open up right away...
Just know that there's a reason

I wish I was somebody
Anybody but myself
Oh, I wish I was somebody
Anybody but myself

I remember
Getting beat up
And crying in the playground
I remember
Needing help
Seeing there was no around
"Stop resisting, you little faggot,
Why won't you just stay down?"
I remember
Trying to scream
But not a sound came out
I remember
Somebody finally showing up for me
I remember
My mother's face seeing me
Sitting there, bleeding
Principal's office
They talked for a while
Then we were free to leave
Car ride home
Turned my head asked
"Mom, what does faggot mean?"
She wouldn't tell me
I begged and pleaded
And never gave it up
My curious, seven year old mind
Wasn't gonna shake it off
Snuck on the computer
Hit the search bar
Then I looked it up
Couldn't believe
That's what they had called me
As they beat me up
What happened after that?
I couldn't tell you
It was all a blur
Just remember the tears pouring
I had been called slur
Seven years old
It was the worst thing
I had ever heard
My father came home
Saw me crying and called me
The same word

I wish I was somebody
Anybody but myself
Oh, I wish I was somebody
Anybody but myself

Looking I'm back now
I'm angry how I let
One word get to me
I dwelled on it for so long
And it could've prevented me
Discovering who I was
Who I am now unapologetically
I wasted so many years
Confused without necessity
But now I've come to terms
And am okay with my reality
I used to ashamed, embarrassed
Of my sexuality
It was the biggest setback I had
Never lived life happily
But now I'm seeing
Happiness isn't just some fantasy
And while I still can't
Completely open up to some people
I'm taking that risk again
And trying to find me a keeper
I know some of you
Won't even listen to what I'm saying
I know it's a long, shot
But deep down I'm truly praying
That one of you listening to this
Will get up and stop playing
Start living your life with meaning instead of slowly decaying
I'm so grateful to this day
I can finally shed tears and cry
While keeping my masculinity
My eyes no longer dry
Please don't listen
If you're mad this isn't a banger
Please don't listen
If you were expecting more glamor
Please don't listen
If you want me to stay put
If you're mad that I said faggot
You probably misunderstood
Please don't listen
If you're not gonna take me seriously
Please do not listen
If you can't say that you're here for me
Please don't listen
If you want me to stick to
Just photography
But then stop liking when I do
Cause that's just hypocrisy
Please don't listen
If you judge men who are emotional
Cause that's what your gonna get with me and
That's non-negotiable
Please do not listen
If you do not fuck with my music
But say you love it to my face
You're just making shit confusing
I wanna say something
While I got all your attention
I got some apologies I gotta give
For a second
I hope it's not too late
To forgive me in the present
I completely understand if you
Wanna hate me and resent
I'm sorry to my mother
I couldn't save you earlier
I'm sorry to my brothers
For putting up a barrier
I'm sorry to whoever
My bad decisions have haunted
I'm sorry to my father
I wasn't the son you wanted
I'm sorry to my friends
For pushing you all away
I'm so grateful you're so stubborn
And that you chose to stay
I'm sorry to my therapist for dealing
With my problems
I don't say it enough but
Without you I would be lost and
I'm sorry Kimberly
I couldn't give you what you wanted
I'm sure someone will come around
To finish what we started
I'm sorry to myself
While I'm sitting, writing this song
That I let myself
Be so sorry for so long

I wish I was somebody
Anybody but myself
Oh, I wish I was somebody
Anybody but myself