My Suicide Note

Everything you've heard me say
I haven't said anything yet
Is this who you are now
Is this what you've become

Now how the fuck do I open a song about so many things
Yet they all center around my mind what it could bring
I'm trapped inside the way I feel because it keeps on looping back on itself
If you may understand this thing
I know my mind has an effect on you, it's hurting you
So just leave me while you can, I don't wanna burden you
I write lyrics even I don't fucking get sometimes
Cuz of my mood swings, that I can't even fucking mind
I'm so fucking sorry for how I am cuhz
And what I've become, that I'm no longer what I was
I watch it fall apart so fucking often, now I think it's my fault
After all, why would I think not
How the fuck am I so scared to get big off my homie's name
Oh I know, cuz I don't chase after the fucking petty fame
Only reason I'm out here is cuz I play my own game
I'm so motherfucking exhausted, I don't know my own name
One moment I have my whole life planned out
Then either something happens or, how do I say this out loud
I realize I got to make it harder on myself to maybe make it easier one day
I'm trapped, is what I've found
I get excited when I start to feel like shit
Cuz it's just another chance for me to spit
You see, I told you, the notepad is my therapist
And through music's the only way that I've been bearing this
I fucking torture myself for the sake of healing
Cuz I get in my head to write lyrics, I start feeling
Something I should never fucking do is what you hear me do
Every time you put my music on, brain now peeling
I'm always finding it impossible
To turn my feelings to lyrics
Because they're never coherent
No matter how well I hear them
They'll never serve as my mirror
You fucking hearing
Crucifix missing from my fucking neck
I take it off when I sin and I never forget
It's so easy to write about different topics in one
Because of how much I go through inside my head, won't go numb
My emotions are fucking useless, whenever I feel
It's a fucking 50/50 I even prove it's real
I know I'm giving up on a lot, but I just wish it all could fucking end
Cuz I give up, just end the deal
And nostalgia hurts more than any pain I've felt
Spending all my time hooked on what I once held
I'm self aware I'm fucking up, my head's a clusterfuck
The courage to face my own head, took years to muster up
See, I would've fucking killed myself before I let you leave
And I pray to God no one feels that way about me
So that I always have the option to set myself free
What I live for is what I saw, now I don't wanna see
I don't even wanna make music no more, it's just for therapy
I ain't really got bars, just my emotions that are there for me
Tryna put the lack of ability to put this shit into words, into words
That's what I dare to be
Would it just be a moment of shock if I had left this world
I hope it would, cuz I really don't fucking want you hurt
Why the fuck don't you hear my voice when I say shit eats at me
Fuck it, I don't care, cuz this also the shit that feeds into me
I'm sorry mama, sorry daddy, sorry everyone I've met
I love you so fucking much, and I'm forever in your debt
Now if only I'd have been a better person all this time
Cuz like I said, I know my feelings hurt you, so I'm doing fine

I'm fine
You hear me now
This is me, you hear me
Fuck
You hear me now