I'm Trying

You couldn't break my heart
'Cause I didn't remember the last time it was whole
Like so many before you
You just kicked a box of broken bits
I was trying to not write poetry about you
But I started a poem a few days before you called
About how I saw a future where we could live
Our own extraordinarily ordinary life
How I thought my heart could be mended
How you came out of nowhere
To beat uncertainty
To be the one lover I was ever truly comfortable with
To help me love myself again

For obvious reasons
I never finished it

The first time our hearts broke
It felt like we would die
But we didn't

The first time a love failed
It felt like another would never work
But it always does

It felt like a fist clenching in the middle of our chest
Like an inexperienced fighter getting ready to throw the first punch
And your heart is a muscle the size of your fist
And it's always gonna be looking for a fight
And alright
Sometimes it'll lose
And break
But you'll put it back together
'Cause we have to keep trying
We have to keep trying
I have to keep trying

But as you called to say it's over
I felt nothing
But a slight rattle of broken pieces
A flicker in the back of my mind

But it got me thinking
It made me acknowledge
That it's time we stop counting on others to mend what's been broken

Instead of searching the wilderness
Looking for fresh hearts to replace our own
Let's bring out the tweezers and super glue
'Cause the truth is
It's only you who can know
Where all the pieces go
So power up the work light
And put that gooey little heart back together
That's what I'm gonna do
And I'm gonna use a little bit of extra glue
And maybe some duct tape

There's an old cliche about how
No one can love anyone who can't love themselves
But I've never found that to be the case
Lots of people have loved me through times
Where I had no love for myself
See the tricky bit is understanding what being loved means

See love can only grow from within
And love can't heal you
If you're not accepting the love you're receiving
And how could you
If you don't feel like you even deserve your own

See it's easy for people to love you if you don't love yourself
Maybe even easier at first
What's actually true is that you won't know how to be loved
Until you love yourself
'Cause as long as you don't
People can pour their love into you
Until they're empty and you are too
When you love yourself
And accept the love from others
That's when it'll start overflowing
Almost instantly
Trickle-down love
Spilling out
'Cause if there's nowhere for it to go
You'll blow
So accept the love you're given
And then
You can finally love like you're supposed to
Like they love in the songs and movies and poems
A love that's healing
A love that's feeling
Like it has a home
'Cause you can't glue together any heart without love
Especially not your own
And what's broken doesn't work

So now
I'm trying
I'm trying to be better
I'm negotiating a ceasefire with myself

'Cause now I'm finally trying
Every day
To see the love all around me
I'm trying
Every day
To let everyone else see my love
I'm trying
Every day
To see people trying

So now
Every day
I'm trying
It took a while
I know
But I'm trying
Every day

So don't worry about me anymore
I think I'm gonna be just fine
So thank you for listening
And I hope you're trying

Every day