The Things I Swore I Would Not Do (Demo)

Have I forgotten my own rule?
I do the things I swore I would not do
They said the secret is self-control
But how do you do that when you don't have that?
When something else takes hold?

Took me awhile to realize the fact
Free will can be compromised and that
Is not a moral failing, no, it's something else
Maybe not akin to sin, but mental health
When sincere decisions don't come to fruition
When every effort to change fails its mission
Stop and listen. Look under the surface
How often does someone really pick poison on purpose?
Choice is not a given when it comes to addiction
Nobody chooses to lose the freedom to make decisions
We all wanna be happy and free
But a semblance of free will's a fucking luxury

Have I forgotten my own name?
The cycle repeats and I feel so insane
They said the secret is moderation
But how do you do that when you don't have that
Even with the motivation?
It's mental incarceration and unbridled devastation
And an inward desecration and

From age 19 to 22
I did so many things I never thought I would do
I lost myself, then found myself in a gutter
Passed out, blacked out, I mumbled and muttered
Something about self-hate and something about grace
So off track and out of whack I thought my proper place
Was chugging IPAs, getting high, and saving face
And finding creative ways to make the day a total waste

Don't tell me who I am
And don't tell me that I can
I would rather find out for myself
For myself

Have I forgotten my own rule?
I do the things I swore I would never do
They said the secret is self-control
But how do you do that when you don't have that
And you just want back your soul?