Like the Breaking of Glass

When I was young
I wanted to see the world through my mama's eyes
She bought me a camera because
She wanted me to experience
The world for myself
But instead
I would just capture
The people, places, things that she would stare at
She would get this look in her eye
The kind that looks like remembering

Then
She would shake her head and turn away
Running away from her thoughts
Her memory
I've never felt lonelier than when I'm with her
As if I was grasping at a ghost
And so
When her back was turned
I would take a photograph of these objects of her perception
Jealousy to my fingertips

Later
in the corner of my childhood room
I would scour these photos
To find remnants of her
As if I could piece together
Her silences and somehow I would be able to understand her
Everything I've ever created has her in it
But she remains on the borders
Always trying to escape

How can I resent her when all she's known is leaving
How can she resent me when this is all she's taught me
I'm leaving, yes, but at least I'm running towards something
Something, someone, that feels like home
Is it cruel to say that her name always meant survival and never safety
Is it selfish to ask for a love I can recognize? That I can hear?

Growing up
She would always say utang na loob
Utang na loob
I have so much absence inside me that I've become her
I owe her for everything that I am
But what can I do
When I've grown to hate who I've become
What can I do when I see her
Not myself
When I look into the mirror
How do I get to the other side of her
I think
I'm just trying to find my way out