Calling Time

She's not afraid of the dark
Only the darkness that descends when the sun sets
It brings back the memories
Of the lonely nights
That followed painful days
When everything felt like the end of the world

She has lived through enough personal apocalypses
To know that death doesn't come so easily
It strikes mercilessly
Evading those who beg for it to come

The innocence of youth
Was taken from her
When trauma sculpted her place in the world
Her sugar-coated view
Was soured by the bitter breath of her drunk father
The kisses he'd plant
Once in a blue moon were as stale as his odour
That always choked her
As she held back the tears
That her mum would never see anyway
Her blind eye conveniently fell on the abuse
That would eventually become history
But it was always the same story
Just with different faces

No one gets to walk through life unscarred
But some people have enough crosses to bear
It would break the backs of most
Yet they still hold their heads high
They hide the emptiness
And learn to live under cloak and dagger
To avoid those pitying stares

In reality
You'll never know who is close to breaking
You'll never know when things are cutting too close to the bone
For her, there was never any hiding from the lacerations
That seemed to seek out marrow
Even in a crowded room
Her mind was a clamouring riot
Synapses firing in all directions
But none of it seemed to be friendly fire
The warfare exhausted her
Her cheek never seemed far from the pillow
As the weeks passed and she withered

The happy pills still left her scratching for serotonin
As she went about her days
That never left her fulfilled
She'd dread the red letters being pushed through the door
She'd dread her kids reaching for sweets in the supermarket

Her kids had to learn a thing or two about sacrifice
Yet their bonds grew stronger
As the wounds on her wrist got deeper
Until they told her
That she had to think bigger
Than just scratching at the surface of her skin with metal
To feel something within her control

One day
The light switched on behind her eyes
As she realised
Depression isn't a nemesis
It is a companion
A memento of past pain
Reminding you of how strong you are
To put one foot in front of the other
When you never wanted to pick yourself up off the floor

Her scars became reminders
That she deserved pleasure
More than pain
Looking at her past showed her
That it didn't have to repeat

She could resent her past
But that would mean resenting the strength that she has become
She could carry the pity
Knowing that if she didn't help herself
No one would
But in the end
It doesn't matter what you've been through
You're walking into your future
Not backwards into your past
There is a reason why tomorrow isn't called yesterday

You don't need your abuser's compassion and permission
To be happy
You'll never get it from them
You need to give it to yourself
Time will only heal
If you let it