Crack Of Integrity

"Well now really when we go back then to falling in love
And say it's crazy. Falling. You see
We don't say raising into love, there is in it the idea of the fall"
It's easy to show you my charming side
You saw through my sorrow, that I often cried
"Why are you so sad?", she asked the second we met
"Are you THE ONE", so I made you mine, no regrets
I spoke the truth, saw you were wise
My shadow will shine because of your light
I show you once more, who I really am
Touched a random girl in front of you, escalated to a million
Thinking you should run, the seed was ready to glow
Pride'll be my downfall, I want to acknowledge it all
"Is this the right decision here?"
"Shouldn't you prep your body? Don't talk in fear"
Rude, senseless
Truth is there's a gap in what I say and I choose
Full of pretences
You see, how could I answer the divine
When my own head is not entirely mine

My legs were shaking when I made the suggestion
This pending disaster should vanish by injection
What do I say to my sisters, my mom, to me?
I bring them flowers every week
Tell them a tale of how I treated something that was ours
We're all adults here, pushing forty
We're not a match, but please show up for me, at least financially
Four months you weeped alone, lying in your bed in pain
While I thought of how life is beautiful
And explored all the things I took in vain
All the things, except the most important - of being a man

Please understand, my mind was in a condition
To test selfishness and self-love and their definition
I had to see their difference, don't be mad
This is how I finally get approval from my dad
No, it was not a creation
I was a mistake, probably yours
You wanna play the blame game? It figures, of course
I never said "forgive me", I never said "goodbye"
After all this time I never looked you in the eye
While you try and try and try to reach to me
Cause you can't believe that this inhumane monster is me
The one who begged you not to fuck with him
"Hey, you should love yourself more", the audacity to even say
But love was what "I" desperately need
So who got this wrong way?
But I politely answer your texts of grief
I guess I hoped for forgivness, a relief
But God made me run into you in the streets as a glance
Did I get a shot to explain myself, a second chance
But I walk past you like a ghost, a ghost that I am
A ghost ghost that I am
A lost shell-like vision of a man

But you know my friend Time? I've been brought to reckoning
Today my grandpa died and I finally see
Are you tired of surviving men like me?
God or the Devil had no play in the ways we met
I call it fate, it was all us, and it was real
While I travel the world to find peace
And explore all the things I call destiny
All the things except the most important. Human integrity

That night by the river, you should've believed what I said
I'm a drama addict, that's exactly what I meant
You think this adult masquerade is easy
And that my soul is not poisoned?
YES YES, I am an avoidant!
So you're all grown up and take my red flags as a bouquet
Now who the fuck are you trying portray?
How many litres of disappointment for a lost soul like me?
Please, please, you must accept my apology
My ex broke my heart, that narcissist was the worst
I don't know how to communicate, so why didn't you leave me first?
I can't handle this, please, I can't hold space for your pain
I know you are the one to blame
I will always have me, living in the moment is the key