The Ballad of Smokin' Joe Rudeboy

Let me tell a little story about a man long time ago
He was the quickest draw in the wild west by the name of Smokin' Joe
It's Smokin' Joe!

Hit the floor
But he didn't own no six-gun
Lemme tell you what he'd do
When the varmint rode into town
He'd shoot 'em down with a big fat "fuck you!"

Smokin' Joe! (it's Smokin' Joe Rudeboy!)
Lemme make sure I heard you right
$7.50 for large soy cappucino
Lemme get my wallet
Fuck you!
Smokin' Joe! (it's Smokin' Joe Rudeboy!)

Lemme make sure I heard you right
Even though I'm not with Amazon you're calling me to tell me
That my profile has been hacked?
Fuck you!

And so Joe held the law in the town in which he lived
Yeah! Only stupid motherfuckers would talk shit around Rudeboy
With his whiplash wrist
Gon' get it now!

Leroy "two gun" Jenkins thought that he could surely win
But before Leroy could blink he was told to sit and spin
Why don't you take it for a ride now?
The Mongoose Mountain Gang played dirty with a twenty-man crew

But tales are told that Joe grew eighteen arms
That day as a gift from Vishnu
And as he rose in fame
Every quickdraw outlaw came to the man
They heard whose fists would burn when he flipped the bird

Smokin' Joe! (it's Smokin' Joe Rudeboy!)
Lemme make sure I heard you right
You wanna refund the money that I spent
In your shop with a store credit?
Fuck you!

Smokin' Joe! (it's Smokin' Joe Rudeboy!)
Lemme make sure I heard you right
Everybody brought a platter to my fancy birthday dinner
But you brought soda water?
Fuck you!

He got that name because his finger burns hot like the sun
And leaves you smokin' when he's done
It's just as well that Joe is fast as hell
'Cause in every duel he won I'm not sure
Joe knew that they had a literal gun

I know that they're packing heat
And I know that they know that I'm the man to beat
But when I step onto the street with a jingle in my feet
They know that I know that they know that they can
Fuck themself!

Some say many years ago
Before Joseph Rudeboy was Smokin' Joe
He had a wife, her name was Bo
Bo was with child in a happy home
But into town an outlaw came
Who wore a velvet cloak like a bloodstain
Now Bo didn't like Joe using no gun
So Bo told Joe to fucking run

"You gotta bring back help!" (run fast Joe, fast Joe)
Lemme stay and fight!
But Bo said "no guns, you've got to go!"
Joseph Rudeboy was too slow
For a child that he'd never know
Joeseph Rudeboy you're too slow
Burning inside Joseph died but from the ash the man who rose was

Smokin' Joe! (it's Smokin' Joe Rudeboy!)
He's a human pheonix
Yes, that's the word
I heard he was born in a fire
And rides a pair of flamin' birds

Smokin' Joe! (it's Smokin' Joe Rudeboy!)
I heard he's never shot no-one but he's
Still locked up half of the wild west
Lookin' for a velvet-wearing son-of-a-gun

One day an outlaw came to town
Come out here Smokin' Joe
You're just as well already dead
He wore a velvet cloak but Joe saw red
And on the street the fateful pair did meet
All the townsfolk came to watch when they knew
Joe was gonna tell someone to f-

Their eyes were locked what seemed like three eternities
To Joe the velvet man seemed different
From how he remembered him to be
But it was all the same to Smokin' Joe, who'd been through hell
He'd dreamt every night the last eighteen years
Of telling this guy to fuck himself

But when Joe went to ball his hand into a flamin' fist
The outlaw shot him first with a
Middle finger that looked just like his
And as Joe fell he beheld the outlaw's face

A young girl who'd seen it all
And grew up in a terrible place
Whose mother once told Joseph
To run and bring back help
A girl who thought her father had run out to save himself

Smokin' Joe! (it's Smokin' Joe Rudeboy!)
Lemme make sure I heard you right
You been telling everybody I'm a deadbeat daddy
Didn't know I tried to save ya?
Yeah
Fuck you, daughter!

Smokin' Joe! (it's Smokin' Joe Rudeboy!)
Lemme make sure I heard you right
Now I found my father and I learnt the truth we can be reunited?
That's right
Fuck you, old man!