Poppop (Poetry, Vol. 3)

This is poetry volume three
We lost Poppop and although my mother won't admit it
She ain't been the same since
I knew she needed me the most so me not flying home
Is still my biggest regret
Too afraid to go back east because of my relationship with death
I had the nerve to end the call crying
But still told her to hold up her head
And I'm still trying to spread peace even though I ain't got much left
Chaos festers in me and the lows seem like they keep getting lower
The older I get
See wounds heal over time but this loss doesn't fade away like scars
The older it gets
This is the part where I give you a chance to skip to the end
Because after this bar I'm gonna prove why the beats don't matter
And it's more about what is said
This is the part where I get as vulnerable, as vulnerable gets
Because what the fuck is the point of me holding it in?

After my mother broke the news
On everything I love
I prayed that the Lord had taken me instead
Barbed wire around my neck
Seventeenth floor I was standing on the ledge
Only reason I ain't leap, I thought about my mother
Losing her father and her son in the same week
I thought about 908 Florence Avenue
And hearing Poppop take a step, I can still hear the wood creak
I thought about Josef and how mad he'd be growing up
Knowing I was the reason he lost me
Lucky me, luckily made it out the storm dumb strong
Although I was born weak
My mother is my God
She's the one that birthed me
She's been through hell and back
But they don't read between the lines
Her stories are inscribed in permanent ink
That's why I'll always keep this quill up on me
The skin sheds and I peel it often
The Source was wrong, I wasn't self harming
But I thought about it often
Nobody would listen so I stopped talking
And this cloud over my head I can't seem to shake it off me
I'm okay because I have to be, my mother tells me that often
So why would I go to therapy
If I could tell you exactly what I had
And the reason I lost it?