Far from Home

I been far from home, just reflecting on how much I've grown
From these good times in every single place we've flown
Past year and a half been the greatest times ever
Now I'm addicted to this life, I'll never let it go
Damn, but I been running from some things
Thought if I run away, I'll probably come back to some change
It's hard to elaborate on all the things that's in my brain
And I swear to god this pain'll make a nigga go insane
But this here is therapeutic
Taking all of these emotions, put it all into the music
That's the blueprint laid by the realest ones that do this
'Cause they choose to be vulnerable, and then we use it
So here I am, carrying the torch of that legacy
Wonder if my biggest dreams are even what's best for me
I give it all I got 'til it ain't nothing left in me
Questioning if the music's even my destiny
Especially I'm living the life that I want, no regrets for me
Without the fame putting my privacy in jeopardy
That's the recipe to go insane and lose integrity
So can I manage? I gotta choose carefully
And lately I feel like my time is running out
LIke I'm just one of several thousands of accounts
Of the guy that had it all, but he never made it
With all the potential to someday be the greatest
And usually I'm stressing, but you know what's crazy?
The fact that the shit doesn't bother lately
'Cause I'll just take another flight and have some wild ass nights
While some other new nigga getting decorated
I'll admit I lost some interest, too invested in this living
Constant trips to different cities, great nights with the finest women
Caught up in the fact that around the world
People naturally fucking with me
With no fame or no clout, 'cause lord knows I hate them leeches
But being gone gave a whole new perspective
And hella inspiration, fueled the progression
A whole lot of blessings and valuable lessons
But also the fear that my loved ones neglected
26 years, just missed my first birthday
Then a second passed, missing time at a worse rate
Then Christmas came, this was all the same year
And most would assume that this ain't a big deal
But it is for us, 'cause I came from a place of love
Despite not having much, just each other was enough
But now I understand that everybody ain't the same
'Cause mostly all my friends can't relate to this support
And it caught me by surprise 'cause I didn't realize
A lot of parents treated raising their kids like a job
And after 18 years they just wouldn't go beyond
So when that time is up, you on your own to survive
And their only job description was to provide
Ain't tryna go the extra mile with quality time
The cause of internal issues later in life
Thankful that was never the case when it came to mine
But I got brothers, I'm the one who they look up to
I wanna see you be the very best at what you want to
I wanna see you get involved with all the things you love to
And when I'm not around, never question that I love you
What has this come to, that I even gotta say that?
Shed tears cause it's my fault, and I really hate that
My mother called, I'm on the road, still on the go
She said they said that they feel like they don't know you no more
Far from home

I find it funny how I met you on my birthday
And your presence been a gift to me since the first day
Honestly don't know what I did to deserve you
Or how you're always there for me on my worst days
And you wouldn't know it, 'cause I never show it
The most secretive open book, I can't go exposing
All my problems, 'cause that shit is just a part of life
And we all got 'em, can't let em be defining moments
I'm on Khaosan the first time, a hell of a night
And of course I ain't looking for the love of my life
I'm like I need some options and it's thousands in sight
And in the midst of me mingling, you come walking by
I introduced myself, only one thing on my mind
But it's revealed that it was way more in due time
And the more time we spend, the more I'm feeling inside
And when I went back home, not a day would go by
Without us talking, and now I'm back often
But I know to deal with me, for you it is exhausting
'Cause I be getting lost in all them girls that's on the market
I know you hate it, but respect the fact that I been honest
Sometimes I hate I ever got you involved and
So I try to keep some distance, never make a promise
'Cause I don't wanna let you down, you'll think it's all nonsense
So I told you straight up that I may just have a problem
Don't do no drugs, I only drink on occasion
And that's only socially, a little more on vacation
And for a minute I did have a gambling addiction
Where I won and lost thousands, but thankfully it's finished
So remaining my only vice is women
Never enough, the rush of the lust in these feelings
It's like what you expect? I'm young, having fun, traveling
Chasing this career, a nigga gotta have some balancing
Living single, do what I want, no one to answer to
But this heart I got for you brings guilt, so I'm careful with
The way I move, although I told you all the facts
I never lied, but never wanted you to catch me in the act
But that night you did
With my arm around her, heading straight back to the crib
Pain all in your eyes, why you had to witness this?
And now I'm saying all the shit that you ain't tryna hear
I'm apologetic, but I'm like, "this what it is
Hella love for you, but baby I'm just tryna live"
We finished talking, held me tight, and didn't say a word
But somehow I still heard you begging me don't go...
But I did anyway, how could you wanna see my face?
It's like how much can you take?
Now I feel like a disgrace
You should runaway, for me it's too much pressure
Then you told me lately you been going through depression
Now I'm a contribution, I can't offer no solution
Say you wanna be exclusive, then I tend to get elusive
It's like fuck me, you been going through some real shit
And when your father passed, I can't imagine how you deal with
The finality, cried after you told me
Seeing you in pain, no amount of consoling
Can bring him back, but also I was thinking that
What if that was my...
I don't even wanna think about that

I can count on one hand how many times I seen you cry
And for those few, an extreme reason why
But this was traumatizing, something different 'bout this time
The shit was chilling, tried to erase it from my mind
We in the midst of a normal conversation
You know music, sports, who I been dating
Then your tears start flowing and a little bit of shaking
I'm caught off guard, like, "what the fuck am I facing?"
You brush it off and try to tell me that it's all good
And I pretend to believe it, don't really know if I should
You prolly needed an ear, but all of my fears
Prevailed of me learning something I ain't trying to hear
So I let you brush it off and get away with it
Hoping that it's only one time, but it ain't, is it?
'Cause now the shit just comes more frequent
And more intense, I feel defeated
Can't imagine how it feels for you
I'm scared to know the reason
Now it's hella tabs open on my phone
What could be the cause for these symptoms that you've shown?
I type in Parkinson's, shit got me losing hope
So I just keep running...
This uneasy feeling all up in my bones
I stay out late on purpose, I ain't tryna go back home
I find it kind of hard to make you feel you ain't alone
'Cause I just keep running...
And you often thank me for my contribution
But deep down I know it's way more that I could be doing
I feel I've done the minimum, is this just an illusion?
'Cause I won't stop running...
Damn, please don't think this is me being selfish
It just hurts so bad and I can't really help it
I can't face it straight up, man I really feel helpless
So I just keep running...
I thought I got better, working on myself all by my lonely
These past few years I just been running from the old me
Hate seeing old pictures, now a nigga so different
Back then I was so timid, just constantly searching
For a source of confidence other than accomplishments
And to know that I'm that nigga regardless of how they feel
So in a way, you can say that I got what I wanted
But if I can't face this, then that shit don't mean nothing
I really thought self-improvement would erase all my fears
With everything that I built upon over the years
More money, more women, more bookings for trips
But nothing in this fucking world could prepare me for this
So although I'm having the greatest times of my life
Subconsciously I'm also running from my problems
But I am glad to say that you been doing much better
Was terrified that my life would be changing forever
Far from home