Columbus

I pledge allegiance to the unhappiest boy in the world
He finds me every morning with his coffee press and heart-attack complaints
He says the internet has dragged his love-life back into the ocean
The primordial ooze
It's way out, Jack

I pledge allegiance to the unhappiest girl in the world
She finds me in the pub I thought was mine, I thought my own
She resurrects unpleasantness, she drags it out like Christ
Must have dragged poor dead, dry Lazarus from his cave into the light
I try to say, "Is it like that, with this? Are you trying to impress disciples?"
Instead I say stuff like, "How's your Dad?"
It's an endless cycle
Every day
Every day
Every day

Now, Christopher Columbus never set foot in America
Though every teacher told me that he did
I try to kill the sadness in the word America
I keep unhappiness inside of me well hid
I keep unhappiness inside of me well hid

I pledge allegiance to the unhappiest dream in the world
It finds me every evening, when I sleep this dream unfurls
And in it I look like Sal Mineo, with black Italian curly hair
I'm auditioning for 'West Side Story', don't know what I'm doing there
But you, you're there beside me, and you're looking for a pointer
And I say, "Mumble every line and if you're not cast, don't be disappointed.
It's a hard town, and everybody needs a good waiter in America, every day
Every day"

Now, Christopher Columbus never set foot in America
Though every teacher told me that he did
I try to kill the sadness in the word America
I keep unhappiness inside of me well hid
I keep unhappiness inside of me well hid