Not On My Terms

I would like a little respite
And I'd delight to find some peace of mind
Tonight, some light at the end of the tunnel
But I know that's not for me to have
And I would like a little catharsis
To pull up the drawbridge
And sit in my sordid embrace
I'm running out of pills to take

I'm still here
Wishing my whole life away
Cos I don't want to live like this
Constantly fighting decay
And managing my mental state

I would like a little respite
And I'd delight to find some peace of mind
Tonight, some light at the end of the tunnel
But I know that's not for me to have

Ohhh, would it be,
Too much to ask if I just stayed here
Motionless in the dark
And no-one move a muscle

'cos I don't wanna miss
My shot and my moment
I'm broken and frozen
'cos I stopped and imploded again

An impossible burden to friends
This is what I'll become in the end

Wishing my whole life away
Cos I don't want to live like this
Constantly fighting decay
And managing my mental state

I'm still here
I know I don't seem it but
I'm always breaking and bleeding
A prison in perpetual motion
Repeatedly turning and churning my insides to dust

Everything I've ever done
In the pursuit of becoming at one
Has led me to this moment
The impetus of idealism, it's a war of attrition

I'm still here
Wishing my whole life away

It's not on my terms
I didn't choose to be this way
It's not on my terms
A product of a twist of fate
It's not on my terms
I grind my teeth to nubs at night
It's not on my terms
Contemplating suicide

But it's not on my terms
I don't want to bleed
It's not on my terms
Barely holding at the seams
It seems it's not on my terms
Adrift beneath this paper sky
It's not on my terms
I'll succumb to this disease in time

But not on my terms
I don't want to breathe
It's not on my terms
I implore you to believe in me
But it's not on my terms
I write what I'm told to
It's not on my terms
I long for when my heart collapses

Who is this for?
This melancholy matchbook
Of all of my thoughts
As I fall to the floor again
I don't want to be
This empty I am
Dreaming and running and writing down songs
To no earthly end, like my fate depends on it
And I can't pretend
To know what my purpose is
And I cannot stop
I cannot slow down
The demons will crawl in and drag me around
They'll wrap round my eyeballs
And claw at my tongue
They'll turn the world black
And I'll just sing along
Well I'm still here
Wishing my whole life away
Cos I don't want to live like this