Lose a Friend

I'm still frozen on the deck
I'm still sprinting down the hall
His hands still push down on my head
By the fence at governors ball
And I guess I still pretend
It doesn't all feel like my fault

And I still sit outside that house
Let him kiss me in his car
I'm still dying to get out
He's still pushing me too far
I still wish that I turned down
All those drinks back at the bar
Why's it so hard

I didn't wanna make a big deal
I didn't wanna lose a friend
I didn't wanna make it this real
And have to feel it all again
I didn't wanna make a big deal
But it's a big deal in the end
It's a big deal in the end

I'm still cringing at a name
I'm still lying in a bed
Trying not to let my brain
Hear the way my heart objects
I washed the clothes but to this day
I never put them on again, again

I didn't wanna make a big deal
I didn't wanna lose a friend
I didn't wanna make it this real
And have to feel it all again
I didn't wanna make a big deal
But it's a big deal in the end
It's a big deal in the end

You're not my fucking friend
You're not my fucking friend
You're not my fucking friend

I'm still twenty, I'm still ten
I'm still noticing the hurt
Cause I remembered everything I just never found the words