Let's Talk

I just
It's been a minute
I know ion talk a lot
But y'all know dat
And I know y'all been
Wanting to know
How da fuck I ain't sittin up in prison
Cuz I never told my side of it
But Imma take y'all back
Back to the beginning
So u can really understand what happened that night
I had the type of mother that every kid wanna smother
Any nigga could love her
Shit every nigga done loved her
It's crazy how I end up the only nigga to suffer
The consequences of lovers
Two broken pieces trynna be with each other
The family gettin bigger she couldn't get with them rubbers
It was love or lust but can't have one without the other
Our lives was gettin tougher
Dat nigga was gettin rougher
I remember seein his hand ball up the veins of his fist
That wrapped around to his wrist
When he pulled back and she flinched
Seein the way that his knuckles painted the blood on her lips
Trynna console wit a kiss but that ain't do it
Locked up in the room and she crying under the music
And separating herself from ha children that's going through it
In the next room tired out from all the puking
That stomach acid will do it
Hunger pain as a student is fuckin askin to lose it
Thinkin back on all of them fights and that shit was useless
When I be thinkin about it I try to see it through my mom eyes
And wonder if she ever tried to realize
That she was worth more than what he could offer to her insides
But only on the outside
Truth is my mama had demons
Manipulate her decision making and fucked with her reason
Every cold weather season when we was outside & freezing
From being homeless as fuck that weather came with a beating
CPS felt like a miracle to me
But after my brotha died it was miserable for me
I was feeling detached
But did my best to be present
For my lil sister who needed me to be watching her back
And as I got older I learned how to react
But never learned to communicate when I'm feeling attacked
So I stayed in the back
Avoiding all types of situations & negative people
That try to get me to crack
Shit that was the reason I even started to rap
I was findin my peace & gettin dat shit off my chest
Till I got with my ex
Rap ain't gettin me checks
So I dropped all the music and started getting depressed
She gave me a family and I knew I was blessed
But generational curses was like my family crest
Avoiding anything that could add to the stress
That made her feel like our problems was never being addressed
And when that night came
I sat in that car putting together the pieces
Of how I took it this far
All it took was those words
To trigger me into squeezing that fuckin trigger
It was in that moment I murdered the bigger picture
I was
Damn