Journal Entry

I've been thinking a lot lately
About the complexity of the question
Who am I really?
And it's complicated especially when you have so many labels to define yourself
I'm a spoken word poet, an author, a writer
A journalism student, a radio and tv host, an advocate, an activist, an award-winning organizer
I'm the founder of an organization, I'm a public speaker
But in real life
I'm a hopeless romantic
I love being in love
I'm one of those "my man, my man" type girls, like
And I'm so delusional too you'll catch me single talking about my man
But I've never been really lucky when it comes to love
And I think that has been the beauty of finding myself I am the most broken, yet willing
Hopeless, yet full of hope person that I know
No heartbreak is ever going to stop me from loving with the most beautiful height of nakedness, vulnerability, and purity
Because that's what keeps us alive
And I love to feel alive

I think that the moment that I learned this was also the moment that I was able to become at peace with myself
Because for so long I tried to look hard for answers as to why I loved the way I do
And for years I hated this part of myself so much because
I was not able to understand why I kept getting torn apart yet I was so willing to build myself back up
And say here
This is my heart, it's fixed
And do it all over again
Time after time
And it took so long to come to the realization because I was focused on looking for pain
And instead, I found beauty
I found beauty in the way that I love people
In the way that I express my love
In the way that I come into their lives and change them, and invest myself just enough to help them grow
And bring out the best in them
And seeing them change their routines, realize things about themselves, improve their behaviors, leave toxic habits
When you're a healer
You find pleasure in healing other people
You find pleasure in helping others heal
That brings you joy

But it is so dangerous
Because it's so easy to lose yourself
You're invested in other people's feelings that you don't prioritize your own
You deal with their rages, their toxic reactions
Their triggers
Their emotional abuse
And suddenly you find yourself in a hole
And they are nowhere to be found
Because you've fixed them so much that now they're ready to find love in better places
In healed places
While you were helping them heal you lost yourself and everyone noticed but you
So now they're willing to experience life from a different perspective
And how can you blame them?

This album is for the healers
The ones that stayed, and overstayed
The ones who always had to learn the lesson
The ones that have felt unseen because they have only been given "behind the scenes" of this ironic idea of loving
And have never been loved in public
Unapologetically
Or before 10 pm
This album is for the ones that fixed broken hearts, while theirs were bleeding
And have to endure the pain of seeing them go
Ready to love someone else in ways that you always begged them to love you
Your love is so beautiful
Your pain is so beautiful
This is for you