spiraling

It's the 26th of December
I'm trying to remember the last few months
In October I turned one year older
But the night didn't turn out as fun
As it does in the movies
With the prom queens
And the parties and the alcohol
God, I wish I could forget about it all

I wish I could get wasted
But it can't mix with my medication
So I stay here taking it all in
Why can't my brain make enough serotonin?

So I sit on the floor of my college apartment
And pray to the Lord that my anti-depressants
Will finally work like my therapist promised
'Cause I'm getting bored of my whole existence

And I celebrate my 20th birthday
With tears on my face, with flushed cheeks and migraines
And eyeliner stains that stay til the next day
And when I awake, I'll dissociate

Again and again, turning the wheel of fate
Round as it spins, I'll think of my old age
And will I regret that even my golden days
Of youth were spent waiting to be stable

Far in the future, maybe married with a kid
Or something just as stupid as a life long commitment
But is it really useless? I don't think I believe that anymore
'Cause you said without love our life is wasted

So I guess I'll be ok with it, and you can love me til the end
And if I'm not your favorite, then promise me we'll still be friends
I'll go on some business trip and miss the day that you'll be wed
'Cause I can't handle that shit, can't bear to see your happy end

And even though I'm too depressed to feel the heartbreak now
One day I will be a mess, when you've forgot about me
And your life is full of happiness but I'm still waiting outside in this Twenty-year-old prom dress throwing stones at your new house

And years will pass me by but I'll still be writing all my songs
About that perfect night when
I had your shoulder to cry on
God, I wish I could pause time, replay this moment all night long
I feel so paralyzed, God, I really need to move on

I should probably stop spiraling about all this made up shit
I'm just catastrophizing about my unhappiness
When I should be fantasizing about better things than this
So I'll try to stabilize cause now I'm twenty, not a kid

But I still wrote all of this down
For my dissociated self
To remember it