John Wayne Typewriter Pillow

I think it's been ten years since I might have slept
Typewriter keys keep banging on my head
I'm writing replies and quippy rejections
To I miss you texts that you're never going to send
So here's a boundary that I wish you would disrespect
Just to pay me any attention
You always got to make it so complicated
But why I only take shots that I know will miss
I gave you one two three four five six seven eight
Too many chances
I thought you were the one two three four five six seven eight
Too many choices

I can tell where she's been by where the splinters at
I leave them because they get me sad when I swipe them up against a tinder match
Scribble facts about my soulmate on pen and pads
Then throw that shit away the second that I see some tits and ass
Yeah yeah she was hollow headed
Still looking at the Mac eleven wondering if I should swallow lead and
Call the medics
Too late I already got to heaven
And committed suicide again to drop a level
Afraid I'll be the devil if I ever trust myself
Think I got to hate me just to love somebody else
Pacing in my boundaries I'm going to decorate them
With polaroids of my self esteem I can't remember taking
I should take a vacation I should learn another language
I should stop all these should have's so I stop being anxious
I should believe in angels like my mother did
Cooking in the kitchen wearing nothing but an oven mitt
Wondering if I'm going to ever fall asleep
Or if I'm already dreaming I'm dreaming
I'm reading letters that I know I shouldn't keep around me
Waiting for the ink to replace my blood and drown me
Now the cursive blurs and the messiness is adequate
I'm squinting just to try and read this recipe for happiness
I think this one is just a text that says I love you
If you rearrange the letters it says fuck you
Fuck you Queen of the Half and Half Undecided
Only way you'll ever make a mark is if I write it
Only way you ever work is when you run and hiding
Only way to tell you're lying is when your mouth is moving
I can fit all my regrets inside it
Things I'll never say in person
I'm too nice to love myself or know I'm worth it
That's why I swear your acne is a constellation only I can name
Deaf telescopes that never hear a word you say
Every breath is an emergency I'll fix for you
Until I memorize the mediocrity of being with you
I breathe a key hole that the world could fit through
Then I crush under the weight of moments that I should have kissed you
It's just twisted up ego and rejection
I think the combination could be used for lethal injections

It's time to jack off and go to sleep
Once you do you know you won't give a shit about anything
It's all just chemicals swirling in your brain
Maybe you should get some pills to pour it down the drain
Go back to therapy and talk about your mom
Learn why it hurts so bad when someone leaves you all alone
Learn to meditate instead of always thinking
When was the last time you went a day without drinking
I see my reflection there's nothing inside it
All I want to do is quit trying and just sit silent
Instead I'm typing out soliloquies on pillow cases
That I'm built of dreams you can live in places
In between me checking on my phone every six seconds
To see if you texted to say I'm sorry I just can't do this

I wonder if my ex cheated when she went to barcelona
Or if she would have trusted me with more scars to show her
Maybe there's something that I should have said but didn't
Most of the time I think that we were just two pieces that just never fit in
But forgiveness is my greatest flaw
Sometimes I think that I'd be happier if I could hate you all
Kill a bottle and tell her that she was lousy in bed
Over a thousand texts and misspelled alphabets
Do something I'll regret that makes me more human
I just want to do something stupid
Because if I was worse then she could have related more
I always play the cool guy then I go home
Slow mo replay every moment when she broke my heart
Like when she brought that strange dude home from the bar
I should have knocked him out and told you you're a fucking piece of shit
Driven home alone and never ever talked to you again but
Okay I'm really unraveling now
Focus on your breaths in out in out

It's all good I'm okay because I'm over you
I'm just returning these apologies that I'm still overdue
Waiting patiently until I find a better way
Learning my side is the only side I never take
And I always date girls that love that most about me
Camouflaged sneaking over all my little boundaries
I have to hold a funeral for us to break up
Because I'm pretty sure that they could never ever live without me
But I still hear them crying in mother's grave
I'm going to time travel always searching for someone to save
Or I'm Mr. Death tap dancing on a picket fence
Pulling on my sleeve until it ripped the thread
And I sat naked in a parking lot surrounded by a thousand televisions
Playing every moment in my life when someone leaves me
And I'm reaching for the fingertips of cancer cells I wont survive
Even though I know I'll never die baby
Because I love it when you lie to me
I'm swallowing your shit until these wilted flowers die and bloom inside of me
And fall into the soil that will grow a giant sycamore
I'll hang you from a thousand times until I don't give a shit no more

I'll bleed an ocean of the words I never said to you
Then I'll drink it all in the hopes that it will mend the wound
A loneliness that I pretend is you
Searching for a home scratching with my fingernails just to stretch the womb
Until my veins collapse like a crescent moon
Hang myself from your closet rod just to try to set the mood
Choking trying to balance on the toes of my tennis shoes
I thought that's what you meant when you said I'm dead to you
Woke up in the hospital as a vegetable
Sipping cold soup through a bendy spoon
Dictating letters to the nurses that I'll prolly never send to you
Because I assume that nothing is the only thing I meant to you
Yeah yeah I guess I'll see you later
Rubbing my heart against a cheese grater
I want to fall in love I want to fall in love
I want fall for anything I wan to self destruct
I want to fall in love I want to fall in love
I want fall for anything I want to self destruct
First I need to stop thinking and fall asleep
But it's hard on these typewriter keys
Leave me alone
I mean never leave me
I would tell you but you would never believe me