Dear Mom

I'mma mom, momma
And when i needed a free hand
Oh, you could never be found

Dear Mom, have I told you that I love you but I hate you?
That I'm forever affected feeling wasteful?
That I'm afraid of demons that chase you?
'Cause you gave me up, for what? Some guy to keep you graceful?, I'mma

How would you feel if you felt money just replaced you?
But when that money gone that I'd need you to feel stable?
Thought I understood 'til I looked real close
Now I avoid you 'cause that's how I cope
Medications they put me on n' called me crazy but
Behavior schools where everybody'd hate me

Would you've let, that orphanage take me?
If dad's dying wish didn't get Aunt Susie to come save me?
I always felt like shit could never understand it
Twenty-two for I knew that it came through your damage
Things that shouldn't hurt much brought more pain
'Cause that's the way your actions wired my brain

I'mma mom, "It was a bad decision but I didn't know any better, (Momma)
I thought I was doing better for you
And I created a lot of damage."
Needed a free hand
Oh, you could never be found

And I want to make a song just to clear it all up
'Cause this stuff we never discussed, dis-cushioned
Or touched n' I think that you think that we're cool
But when I text "Love you, too" it's 'cause I don't wanna be rude
Can you imagine how that feels to be your child?
To see a text that supposed to make me smile?
Instead remind me inside why I feel so empty
And why I always feel like the world's so against me
I know I love you, I just hate that I love you

But that love doesn't mean that I trust you
You used to try to give me money when I'm broke
Did I ever accept that shit?! No!
I don't wanna accept money and let you feel better
Like a few bucks is enough to measure
The pain that I go through!
So you can numb your pain, but only offered the money to help you
Forget that, man, I'd had rather stay broke
Pull the pin n' wait for the grenade smoke

I'm still the same screwed up kid with lame jokes
Who loved my music in my lil' rain coat
While you took another track just to gain hope
Dropped me off to gain steam then your train broke
So, I hate it when your name's spoke

'Cause you're the reason why my brain's soaked
In trust issues with women
And girls can't trust me 'cause I can't put trust in'm
Worst part is that I gett'm, I just can't keep'm
So, happiness for me can never sink in
Here's what I'm thinkin'

"I guess I always looked for forgiveness from you."
"And I wonder if I ever would've given it to you
If I never found
Success
Or the ability to use my story to help other people."
"I don't know
I think if it was done to me
I probably would've never talked to my mother again."

I'mma mom, mom, ay-ay
You will always come around, ay-ay
Ay-ay, but when i needed a free hand, ah
Oh, you could never be found, ayy