survivor's guilt

you don't have a reason to be sad
you had a nice, productive week
you woke up on time, made your bed everyday
you know consistency like that is unique

but you start every weekend
with this feeling in your chest
like you've been working towards
everything and now there's nothing left
so you don't make any plans
you have to study for that test
but you end up feeling guilty for staying in bed
there's no logic or reason or rhyme
you just feel pretty shitty tonight

you're not sure if you're a real person
or if you're made up of hundreds of versions
of someone who's palatable, who doesn't sit around and wallow
or cut others' pain into pills she can swallow
not sure if you deserve this
who decides who feels loved and who feels like a burden
if someone's keeping score, i think they lost count
next life shattering event
let her sit that one out

and you start every weekend
with this feeling in your throat
like you've been missing everything
that actually matters to you the most
so you don't make any plans
you say you need to rest
but rest feels like you'd rather be dead
there's no logic or reason or rhyme
if there was, it would've been you in the car that night