state school // therapy

(Hey Pam, I don't know if you can hear me
But
I made something
Just like we used to talk about)
Let's go
(This is a story about grief and rage, coexisting on the same page
Years apart)
Listen
Hey man
Are you high
No babe
I just cried
My eyes are just red
My patient just died
My neighbor's inside
Fetch the paper
We can read it in the light
She's blind, but the Morse Code
Doesn't foreclose
Like a house does
How you so smug
How you show up
How you show love
Every damn time
Pantomimish
Kinda stay quiet
Anger's not worth energy
Unless it tries to keep me silent
We gotta problem
Solve it with a quiver lip
You better shut your trap
Deliver a fist to your liver quick
One shot
Two shot
Three shots down
A single drop off the cot
I read the paper by myself now
See kumquats on the bricks
Count sticks
Death's a funny part of life
Cause it just exists
Warm wall
Burn bridges
Washin' dishes in the kitchen
Palms and soap
I know they make it for a living
Thumbs up, you're a friend
Thumbs down, I need a drink
Hand me glasses of water
Honestly, I can barely think
I sink low when I'm sad
Get mad if I'm alone
Breaks my heart when you ridicule
Shit is cruel, now you know
You always laugh like the pain is just a punchline
Laugh like the death, always deserves a longer runtime
Fuck orange face, always laughin' at the press guy
Toupee's teasing disabilities on tv, I watched the room cry
Fuck
I watched the room cry
Orange face, say
Grab her by the pussy
Put that bitch between train tracks
If not, I'll do a lot of pushing
Scum of the earth
Opposite of a man
A sidenote to the narrative
Just helps you understand
I won't explain
That the chains only hone the pain deep
Always gotta practice empathy
This rage doesn't gatekeep
Assault in his wrist
Across from the Main Street
Don't know what you know
But you're not a shepherd for some fake sheep
You don't touch good deeds like a love drug
Dance around the subject
A funny way to cut rugs
Pay attention in class
Pain in the ass
Like a butt plug
Sorry if that's crass
I get mad before I shut up
The night before the loss
I said a bad thing
So pissed to think straight
Now I know what karma brings
On the way out
Pam did me a sign like a friend
I never got to say it back
The next morning, she's dead
I learned empathy
Feedin folks at the state school
See them in the parade
I only hope that they stay cool
But my state teaches me things
Everyday about anger
How do I express my rage
When my patience could've saved her?
When my patience could've saved her
(Now, what do I say to her?)
(Transition to therapy)
(Prologue)
(therapy)
Ice water on my knuckles
Swallow my tears when I struggle
Can you hold me?
Can you hold me
Up?

I'm just a gentle soul
Call me gentle giant
Sometimes if things collide
I just hide inside the silence
Fragile bones
Sensitive, I can't help it
I used to get walked on, I learned
There's a healthy kind of selfish
Kindness isn't brittle it's fiddle in my fingers
I don't piddle for a paddle
When I drown, I swim quicker
I kick my feet when I grieve
I need to cry, let me weep
I'm a man
I'm a boy
My eyelids wet the sheets
Of tissue paper when you told me she died
When you told me I'm too nice
You took away all my pride
Diaries in high school, dioramas of my heartache
Carried it to college, like
I almost forgot my birthday
Somedays I'm the kinda boy
Who wishes he was holding his mama's hand, on his first day
On the worst days
I look for purpose on bookcases
Read my lips
Read my heart
Read his wrists
I need embraced
Or a good face
Somedays I say
Where did the time go?
I'm afraid it might slip my mind, no
How have I learned love like it's a new language?
When does suffering come in, and
When I'm numb, how do I explain it
The punches soften on pavement
Knuckles bloodied, I hate it
After weekends, I wear smiles
The rage dissipated
I called home, parents say they're so proud of me
I was so afraid I don't want them ever doubting me
I gotta be a better brother to my brothers
I'll always love them, love one another
And when I don't know how
And when I don't know now
I only hope at the end of the day
We can all be together
Every day I wash my hands in cold water
Little thing for me
Wake me up for something
Remind me I have to breathe
And somedays when it's hard to see
Grateful for people in my life, who love me for me
Thank you for loving me for me, being patient please
Thank you for loving me
Thank you for letting me know