First of Many

I sit, contemplate my decision
To whit, exacerbate this division
Have I squandered any meager attempt
To derive a sense of intent for revision
In my head, a collision
With my heart, an incision
So hard to depart from the path I've been given
So hard to depart from the path I've been given
But there I go again, blaming choices on a
A false sense of predestination
It's nonsense, the voice's just my own lens of procrastination
Its a defense, if I can't collaborate
The events, then I can't contemplate
The reasons, or connotate the seasons for my adhesion
I stick to the facts, retract the past
Detract the abstract, distract to counteract
But I always re-enact
I always re-enact

I did my best to be the person that you thought I'd be
But let you down, well if not now I would eventually
Well every evening when you see the truth inside of me
The subtle shadow of my mind rebuke so casually

I had dreams, ambition
The means, the vision
The skill, precision
The will and intuition
But the partition never split
The premonition, it never fit
So bounced around, safe and sound
Ran aground, I'm listless now
Twisted now, listed out as a has been clown
Cobwebs spread, and pull me down
In my head, they form a crown
As dust has spread
With tears I've shed, from frustration met
With words I've said, the thoughts I've read
To knots I've spread, and crops I've bled

I did my best to be the person that you thought I'd be
But let you down, well if not now I would eventually
Well every evening when you see the truth inside of me
The subtle shadows of my mind rebuke so casually
I'd rather be upfront than lost inside your chivalry
I'd rather show you the demons that live inside of me
But I'm so scared that I will become the first of many
That I would live this lie before I lose grip of my dream