The Worst Pies in London

Wait! What's yer rush? What's your hurry?
You gave me such a
Fright, I thought you was a ghost
Half a minute, can'tcher?
Sit! Sit ye down!
Sit!
All I meant is that I
Haven't seen a customer for weeks

Did you come here for a pie, sir?
Do forgive me if me head's a little vague
Ugh! What is that?
But you'd think we had the plague
From the way that people
Keep avoiding — no, you don't!
Heaven knows I try, sir — yeuch!
But there's no one comes in even to inhale
Right you are, sir, would you like a drop of ale?

Mind you, I can't hardly blame them
These are probably the worst pies in London
I know why nobody cares to take them
I should know, I make them
But good? No
The worst pies in London
Even that's polite
The worst pies in London
If you doubt it, take a bite

Is that just disgusting?
You have to concede it
It's nothing but crusting
Here drink this, you'll need it
The worst pies in London

And no wonder with the price of meat
What it is
When you get it
Never
Thought I'd live to see the day
Men'd think it was a treat
Finding poor
Animals
Wot are dying in the street

Mrs. Mooney has a pie shop
Does a business but I've noticed something weird
Lately, all her neighbors' cats have disappeared
Have to hand it to her
What I calls
Enterprise
Popping pussies into pies
Wouldn't do in my shop
Just the thought of it's enough to make you sick
And I'm telling you them pussy cats is quick!

No denying times is hard, sir
Even harder than
The worst pies in London
Only lard and nothing more

Is that just revolting?
All greasy and gritty?
It looks like it's molting
And tastes like
Well, pitying
A woman alone
With limited wind
And the worst pies in London!

Ah, sir
Times is hard
Times is hard