Trauma

Maybe I just felt
The shit more than most
Maybe I been tryna find
My way outta this hole
Haven't talked to mom
It's been a year
For all I know she could be dead
And I'd be lying
There ain't relief in thinking that

Love has been a delicate dance
I never learn well
Don't know how to act
Having money I never earned well
Feels like if I don't fuck it up
Then the world will
Did all that I set out to do
Why do I hurt still?

It seems the further
I get the more I close
Walls off to anybody
Who wants to know me
Outside of this person grata
I try to show
Like a poster reel
But it's probably
The furthest from real y'all
It isn't all about the numbers
And the glitz
And we always what life ain't
Nut don't know what it is
I don't know what I'm chasing
Or trying to prove

Put another bandage
On a bullet hole
To fix the wound
Just consumed with these thoughts
Tryna fight 'em off
I quit the drugs
But the biggest addiction's
Adding a dialogue
The vulnerability the path to real connection
But I'm stressing
I don't wanna open up to anybody
Especially those I have to trust
I been burnt already once twice
Fuck it a hundred but always
Thought that was a normal life
Because it's normal right
For you to grow up thinking
You're the only one you can depend on
After all these nights alone
Police on the phone
Either brother's suicide attempts
Or your mom's overdose

Four deaths came and went
Either disappeared
Or died from the bottle
That we're sinking in
Even then you still justify
You're like it's okay
Being ignored and
When you do well you feel ashamed
Cause they got real problems
How the fuck do you complain?
Now if someone says you're important
You just pull away

I know that trauma isn't always
Always how the big things affected
The silent little cuts in
The soul that get neglected
Piles up and collected
Why you didn't pay attention?
And expect it to be dealt
With but instead they just became

The foundation that you built on
The blueprint is still wrong
Quite a fucker act this way
I didn't realize
I'm like a walking pattern
I'll never solve
Wrecking ball destroying anybody
Who gets involved
It doesn't always show in obvious ways
Hides underneath the surface
Slowly causing a change
And it's hard to see the way
It influenced your shape
And it's not the brush or
The cameras or the colors
It's the way you paint
Always thought I was a hopeless case
But it's the programming
I was programmed
With to keep me safe
But safety doesn't always
Leave room to grow
And you only feel safe
In this world alone

That's abandonment
And I still can't admit
The shit that happened
As a kid might've played
The biggest hand in this
How I carved pride outta the fact
I had to do this on my own
Nut it's the only way I can
It's the only way I'm comfortable
I dress it up and market it
The more I represent it
The more these people applauding it
The more I get applauded
The more I get that conviction
But the love for what I do
Doesn't fix what I was missing
Just hoping that somebody
Would notice and they would ask
How I'm doing but they didn't
So I put it in these raps

But wanted someone to listen
Wanted someone to care
Didn't get it at home
So I searched in a career
And my life got caught up
Thinking that I thought up
These thoughts that I've got but stop

It's all trauma
It's all trauma

It's all trauma
Think as you want
But make sure you
Make some gold
And I don't wanna
Go down that road
I been down
That road before
It's all trauma

Think as you want
But make sure you
Make some gold
And I don't wanna
Go down that road
It's the only road I know