Nothing To Chase

I always thought I'd be a mom before I turned thirty five
Now I'm thirty four and I'm just struggling to stay alive
I was hoping for a future I could really get behind
I was making promises to all the rest of humankind
Give me something to be hopeful for
And I'll give you 9 months
Of my body and my soul
To build a thing I promise
Will be capable of love
But I worry that's no different than a sacrifice to gods
Like ancient people did when they just needed a name
And a rulebook for an ever changing, never ending game
I always felt religion missed the point of the race
But it's true sometimes this humanist has nothing to chase

I can't offer half the things my parents could when I was young
I was hoping I could make up for it with the things I've done
Always wondering if I've done enough to earn the love I have
Wondering if I could do half as good as did my mom and dad
Bargaining for how I get to live
The legacy of pain that bought my privilege
Compels me to atone and use my gifts to give
What I can to who's still here and try not to give in
To voices that aren't mine telling me things that aren't true
And a world that makes destructive choices so easy to choose
But I wonder if I had a baby could I watch the news?
'Cause it's true sometimes this nurturer can't feel so confused

And if I turn a corner, if I stop feeling insane
Will I remain in touch with any wisdom from the pain?
I'm scared of being healthy in this unhealthy terrain
But it's true sometimes this weary soul needs rest from the shame

I always thought I'd be a mom before I turned 35
I still feel like it's a thing I'd like to do before I die
Burdened with a sense that I can do it all and then some more
Seems I just can't shake the feeling my dreams are worth fighting for
All we are is what we do and I
Know that I have done my best
I've really fucking tried
To juice this life of lessons
To squeeze out every drop
To strain out all the bullshit
And drink a couple shots
So I can feel a buzz while I try to work the room
As a socially acceptable eccentric little muse
But I know that soon I'll have to learn some chords besides the blues
'Cause it's true sometimes this songwriter wants
Something to lose
To lose
To lose

I always thought I'd be a mom before I turned 35