Take My Time

Is it alcoholism
Is it depression
Is it all of the excuses not mentioned
Do you do it for the taste of it or the feeling
Or for you to stop feeling
Is the poison in my blood the reason I'm not healing
While also the reason I'm still breathing
Numbing my self to the point of reason
While riding a fine line of needing to be treated
My life's a Clinical trial
I'm a fine example of what's happens When you let the outside world effect you
They teach the men that emotions are bad
And if you have them then you are no man
And when we are forced to feel
It's either fake
Too much
Or you simply can't
To be honest I get it
I mean the man is supposed to be the rock the structure
But lately I feel like I'm falling
And all of this time growing up thinking I need to be strong
Has really damaged my ability to express my feelings in a healthy manner
So now we drink to forget
And we drink instead of quit
But bottle is never a permanent fix
Temporary pleasures for temporary pain
That probably wouldn't be a problem if I could just process this pain in a healthy way
Why the hell am I in my mid twenties just now finally being able to express my feelings
Like seriously
I know I'm not the only one that is emotionally retarded
I know I'm not the only one that doesn't know how to make good of a bad situation
Because when we get hurt we shut down
And even when we are in complete bliss we don't know how to express that to our partner
I know I'm not the only insecure one
So why is it so hard to just reassure your love is pure
Like most the time I just don't know what to say weather good or bad
She's like aren't you a poet
A rapper
Aren't you supposed to be good with words
But has no clue how long it took me to even write this verse
Let alone rehearse so

Is it ok If I take my time
To speak what's on my mind
You say we have the rest of our lives
But it just don't feel that way to me
Is it ok if I take my time
To speak what's on my mind
You say we have the rest of our lives
But it just don't feel that way to me

They said they'd never leave
But they do
Because when they're at the door
You pushed them thru
Now I'm a wreck
Because what has been said countless times before
Is finally becoming true
Even though the leading up to this I had the chance to keep you
I was just too caught up in my own world to enter yours
Even though you had the open doors
I couldn't find a way to open up the way you needed me to
And we'd fight because I just don't know what to say
Besides the same snarky remarks
And I expected you to change
When you did
It was me who remained the same
It's no wonder no one would of wanted to stay
We're both in pain
But I was only able to speak in rage
And even on our good days
I still wouldn't know what to say

And we'd fight
And fight
To find a way to make it work
But it just don't

But like was I just feeling too much
Was I not feeling enough
Is it because I slack at being able to be in touch with my heart
And in touch with hers
So I lied to myself
Lied to her
Lied to almost everyone I know
To be honest I don't even know
What my own truth holds
What I find in you I can't find in myself
That's why I rely on you
Because around you
I actually could feel like myself
I don't get it either
How I can't explain what I feel in the moment till years later
But when replayed in my mind it starts to become clear so

Is it ok if I take my time
To speak what's on my mind
You say we have the rest of our lives
But it just don't feel that way to me
Is it ok if I take my time
To speak what's on my mind
You say we have the rest of our lives
But it just don't feel that way to me

You told me words are the way to your heart
But at that time the only words I knew how to speak was hate
I wish I could of changed back then
And when I did it was too late
But I don't want to see you cry no more
And I don't want to see this noose
Thinking it's my only choice
That I can only feel joy if I'm gone
I'm constantly lost
And my hearts so fragile
Now that I feel a world without you
So we pour another drink
So we don't join the deceased
This disease I speak slows my mind enough to think
Otherwise I'd probably be another memory
Like how you are to me
So once again I'm asking

Is it ok if I take my time
To speak what's on my mind
You say we have the rest of our lives
But it just don't feel that way to me